I came up with the concept for this video for my friend Ben Murray, who was struggling to think of an idea for a video he wanted to do for JME. I helped him develop a treatment and JME liked it. Then we realised that the song was shit and they had no budget so we made it with our mates Craze and Hoax instead. This was my first attempt at a music video, co-directing it with Mr Murray, and it went on to get nominated for Best Budget Dance Video at the UK Video Music Awards!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eMfM7Di3Y_M
1 March 2012
16 March 2011
Sam
Sam was sadistic,
Some thought him autistic,
Though that term gets thrown around too much nowadays,
A bit of a misfit,
He liked to dunk biscuits
And let them break off and disappear away
One day watching TV, he heard this weird thing
About using your urine on jellyfish stings
And this got him thinking about what would happen
If you pissed on a jellyfish – what would be it’s reaction?
Would they become impotent? Would it do them no harm?
Would their stings become things they just used like arms?
Maybe the effects would only last a minute?
Or maybe they’d melt into the sea like a biscuit?
Anyway, rest assured all you jellyfish reading,
These horrendous thoughts were equally fleeting,
Very soon his mind returned to other things,
Putting flies in the freezer, pulling off their wings
And attaching them to pieces of string
And walking them around like tiny dogs in his kitchen,
He’s probably forgotten the idea by now,
So I suppose we’ll probably never find out,
If Sam ever considers this experiment again,
I’ll make sure I’m there and I’ll let you know then.
2 September 2010
The Duck
I once met a duck,
I was driving a barge,
He wouldn’t move over,
Started giving it large,
Saying things like
“you don’t even know you’re born”
I had to shout at him,
Barges don’t have horns,
It was a strange situation,
Quite hard to guage,
A talking duck
Suffering from canal rage,
So in the end
I just ran him down,
He floated up behind,
I think he’d drowned,
I felt a bit bad,
So at the end of my journey
I bought a book
on taxidermy,
I cut him open,
Took out his insides,
Put him on a nice stand,
And gave him glass eyes,
And now the duck
Sits on my mantelpiece,
With a couple of badgers
And a gaggle of geese
And a number of squirrels
And a fox and a cat
And a sheep and a dog,
I just realised that
I may have actually
Got a bit carried away,
But I ran them all down
So they were dead anyway,
If you want to blame someone
For these newly departed,
Blame that damn duck,
He’s how it all started.
I was driving a barge,
He wouldn’t move over,
Started giving it large,
Saying things like
“you don’t even know you’re born”
I had to shout at him,
Barges don’t have horns,
It was a strange situation,
Quite hard to guage,
A talking duck
Suffering from canal rage,
So in the end
I just ran him down,
He floated up behind,
I think he’d drowned,
I felt a bit bad,
So at the end of my journey
I bought a book
on taxidermy,
I cut him open,
Took out his insides,
Put him on a nice stand,
And gave him glass eyes,
And now the duck
Sits on my mantelpiece,
With a couple of badgers
And a gaggle of geese
And a number of squirrels
And a fox and a cat
And a sheep and a dog,
I just realised that
I may have actually
Got a bit carried away,
But I ran them all down
So they were dead anyway,
If you want to blame someone
For these newly departed,
Blame that damn duck,
He’s how it all started.
17 February 2010
Festive
Here is a little poem I wrote around Christmas time. It makes me sound like a bit of a Scrooge but I promise I'm not.
The warmth of the cold
Bringing
Everyone together
Except for the ones who don't get along
They
Need to be organised carefully
Clouds of coughing
The high streets filled with desperation
Eating more than is neccessary but less than is required
Groovy uncles come out of their shells
The masses retreat into alcoholism
Tired children
Grumpy
Sitting in front of the TV watching
Snow
White
A whole year of energy saving goes out of the window
And around a tree
A tangle of strangling contradictions
Jesus.
The warmth of the cold
Bringing
Everyone together
Except for the ones who don't get along
They
Need to be organised carefully
Clouds of coughing
The high streets filled with desperation
Eating more than is neccessary but less than is required
Groovy uncles come out of their shells
The masses retreat into alcoholism
Tired children
Grumpy
Sitting in front of the TV watching
Snow
White
A whole year of energy saving goes out of the window
And around a tree
A tangle of strangling contradictions
Jesus.
19 January 2010
People Just Do Nothing - Studio Footage
We filmed a few scenes/ interviews to get a feel for the characters and to get used to being on camera. It's all new for us, none of us are actors, so none of us were sure how it would turn out. After seeing the footage I am really excited about it and I'm confident that we could film a full length episode. Obviously we'd need to have a few less swearwords but generally I think it has enormous potential.
21 September 2009
Super Ordinary
This is a film by Ben Murray and Rory Matheson. I was asked to be involved with because I "fitted the part" (in other words it was generally felt that I would look hilarious in purple spandex and yellow pants). I did - the film was a success.
It was shot for the super8 competition so everything was done in one take with no editing.
It was shot for the super8 competition so everything was done in one take with no editing.
8 September 2009
London to Brighton
I sit on the train
with a pad
and a pen
and
a book of poems,
it must look like I'm
studying
because the guard walks past and says
"It's an exciting life isn't it?"
I think
he expects me to
respond
in the negative
with a similar sense of
sarcasm
but I agree!
It is
an exciting life.
I'm excited about where
I'm going
even if you're not.
Twat.
Don't
put a hole in my ticket
please,
I'll use that
again.
with a pad
and a pen
and
a book of poems,
it must look like I'm
studying
because the guard walks past and says
"It's an exciting life isn't it?"
I think
he expects me to
respond
in the negative
with a similar sense of
sarcasm
but I agree!
It is
an exciting life.
I'm excited about where
I'm going
even if you're not.
Twat.
Don't
put a hole in my ticket
please,
I'll use that
again.
5 January 2009
FELLA
A quiet pub. An elderly couple sit silently on a nearby table as FELLA, 33, who is sporty but slightly overweight, conversates with JEREMY, 21. JEREMY looks around awkwardly.
FELLA
So he goes up to his mum and he’s like, “Mum, why is my dick so much bigger than all the other kids at school? Is it cos I is black?”
JEREMY
Yeah...
FELLA
She goes “Nah, it’s cos your 26 and a retard now watch you don’t get spaghetti down your Arsenal shirt.”
JEREMY
That’s a good one.
FELLA
S’a true story.
JEREMY(sarcastically) Yeah alright!
FELLA
S’a fuckin’ true story! Mate of mine told me. (he pauses and looks confused) You tryna mug me off?
JEREMY(laughing)
No I just... it’s a good one...
FELLA
Good what? Fuck you laughin’ at?
JEREMY (suddenly scared and defensive)
I thought you just told a joke!
FELLA
I’ll fuckin’ knock you out.
JEREMY
Sorry.
FELLA
Nah I’m just fuckin’ about.
Enter DAVID, 22. He is young, slightly effeminate, good looking.
FELLA
Waaay! Here he is!
DAVID
You alright? Anyone need a drink?
FELLA
I’ll ‘ave a Carlin darlin.
JEREMY
No, I’m ok.
FELLA
He's ok. Fanny.
DAVID comes back from the bar with two drinks.
FELLA
That Sophie bird...
DAVID
What?
FELLA
She’s alright in’t she?
DAVID
She’s alright. I think she just looks good in comparison to the rest of the girls at work.
FELLA
Who?
DAVID
That Sophie girl.
FELLA
Oh yeah! Fit as mate.
DAVID
I dunno.
FELLA
Anyway, you know I shagged her?
DAVID
Nope. I thought she was married?
FELLA
Marriage is just for the kids. It’s like santa. We all know it’s bollocks.
DAVID
What do you mean “like santa”?
FELLA
Like, not real.
DAVID
He’s... not real?
FELLA
What?
DAVID
I’m jokin’.
FELLA
Are you muggin me off?
DAVID
I dunno.
FELLA
What? Anyway yeah, so I had her. S’alright. Another notch on the bedpost.
DAVID
I thought you slept on your ex’s sofa?
FELLA
Yeah.
DAVID
So you don’t have bed posts!
FELLA
Does your bed?
DAVID
Nah, mine...
FELLA
(interrupting) Well then... (he pauses thoughtfully)... even if there was you wouldn’t have many notches.
DAVID
What is a notch anyway?
FELLA
A shag.
DAVID
No, I mean like “a notch on the bedpost” - what is a notch on a bedpost?
FELLA
S’a shag you cunt.
DAVID
No, I get it - it’s a metaphorical reflection of the accumulation of shags- I get that but what is an actual physical notch on a bedpost? Like, what would that look like? Where did that figure of speech come from?
FELLA
Do you want a glass in the face? The point is I got more notches on my bedpost than both of you lot put together.
JEREMY (thoughtfully)
My bed has posts.
DAVID
Does it have notches?
JEREMY
I’m not sure.
24 October 2008
Blazin Unit the movie
The Mixtape of Destiny... coming soon... here is a snippet
SCENE 1 - A PARK - LATE AT NIGHT
Two hooded figures sit on a bench in the middle of an eerily dark, deserted green. Trains and tower blocks nearby indicate a city.
A cyclist appears from some bushes at the other end of the park and frantically pedals towards the two figures. He is dressed in black and wears sunglasses.
The two figures stand as the mysterious cyclist quickly approaches. Leaping of his bike, the cyclist darts towards the two figures and lays a small package on the floor in front of them before sprinting furiously away.
FIGURE (SHOUTING FROM A DISTANCE)
I found it. Just like you are finding it. I know nothing.
RAGO MARK
He left his bike.
LYRICAL
Yeah...
SCENE 2 - HOUNSLOW HIGH STREET - LATE AT NIGHT.
LYRICAL walks while RAGO MARK rides the bike.
LYRICAL takes a spliff which has been tucked behind his ear and puts it in his mouth. He puts up his hood. Then he stares at the floor with a look of deep concentration and breathes deeply.
SCENE 1 - A PARK - LATE AT NIGHT
Two hooded figures sit on a bench in the middle of an eerily dark, deserted green. Trains and tower blocks nearby indicate a city.
A cyclist appears from some bushes at the other end of the park and frantically pedals towards the two figures. He is dressed in black and wears sunglasses.
The two figures stand as the mysterious cyclist quickly approaches. Leaping of his bike, the cyclist darts towards the two figures and lays a small package on the floor in front of them before sprinting furiously away.
LYRICAL
Oi, where did you get this bruv?
Oi, where did you get this bruv?
FIGURE (SHOUTING FROM A DISTANCE)
I found it. Just like you are finding it. I know nothing.
RAGO MARK
He left his bike.
LYRICAL
Yeah...
SCENE 2 - HOUNSLOW HIGH STREET - LATE AT NIGHT.
LYRICAL walks while RAGO MARK rides the bike.
RAGO MARK
What’s on that ting man?
What’s on that ting man?
LYRICAL
I dunno man. Everyone’s got their own theory you get me? I heard its the first garage mixtape ever created - they put an old record on 45 rpm by accident instead of 33 and one dude just started MCing...
I dunno man. Everyone’s got their own theory you get me? I heard its the first garage mixtape ever created - they put an old record on 45 rpm by accident instead of 33 and one dude just started MCing...
RAGO MARK
One brear told me that Oxide and Neutrino used to work in Mothercare ‘til they heard the mixtape.
One brear told me that Oxide and Neutrino used to work in Mothercare ‘til they heard the mixtape.
LYRICAL
That’s mad.
That’s mad.
RAGO MARK
I know
I know
LYRICAL
Mothercare... that’s nuts.
Mothercare... that’s nuts.
RAGO MARK
That’s what I’m sayin’... I know one guy who works there now. But he ain’t ever gonna hear no mixtape. This is our time man. B Unit ya get mah!
That’s what I’m sayin’... I know one guy who works there now. But he ain’t ever gonna hear no mixtape. This is our time man. B Unit ya get mah!
LYRICAL
Yeah rude boy! Our time to shine!
Yeah rude boy! Our time to shine!
RAGO MARK
I need to get famous man, quick. This shit is takin’ too long right now.
I need to get famous man, quick. This shit is takin’ too long right now.
LYRICAL
What was goin on with my man in the park?! He looked lost bruv!
What was goin on with my man in the park?! He looked lost bruv!
RAGO MARK
He looked cracked man.
He looked cracked man.
LYRICAL
I overheard one guy in Pizza Hut talkin about the mixtape and he said that the UN were after it cos it is catagorised as a weapon of mass destruction!
I overheard one guy in Pizza Hut talkin about the mixtape and he said that the UN were after it cos it is catagorised as a weapon of mass destruction!
RAGO MARK
Seen. What is UN? A crew?
Seen. What is UN? A crew?
LYRICAL
Government ting.
Government ting.
RAGO MARK
Seen, seen. Mass destruction sounds nuts. We should call our album that.
Seen, seen. Mass destruction sounds nuts. We should call our album that.
LYRICAL
Means we gotta be careful with this thing though.
Means we gotta be careful with this thing though.
RAGO MARK
What, you shook?!
What, you shook?!
LYRICAL
Nah nah, but we just need to hold it down. It is deeper than we even know bruv. One boy from college said that it aint even a proper mixtape. It’s a metaphor.
Nah nah, but we just need to hold it down. It is deeper than we even know bruv. One boy from college said that it aint even a proper mixtape. It’s a metaphor.
RAGO MARK
What’s that?
What’s that?
LYRICAL
I dunno but it sounds deeper still.
I dunno but it sounds deeper still.
RAGO MARK
Truesay. There’s none for havin’ some fuckin men in black guys knockin at my mums yard. She would batter me... Last time jakes came to the house she tried to shank me blud!
Truesay. There’s none for havin’ some fuckin men in black guys knockin at my mums yard. She would batter me... Last time jakes came to the house she tried to shank me blud!
LYRICAL
Your mum is joke.
Your mum is joke.
RAGO MARK
Ain’t a joke when it’s real blud. I had to stay in my bathroom for two days. Man was eatin soap and drinkin toilet water.
Ain’t a joke when it’s real blud. I had to stay in my bathroom for two days. Man was eatin soap and drinkin toilet water.
LYRICAL
(Laughing)
Why didn’t you just drink from the tap?
(Laughing)
Why didn’t you just drink from the tap?
RAGO MARK
I was tied up.
I was tied up.
LYRICAL
Later... (long pause)...so what, can your boy at Mothercare get discount?
Later... (long pause)...so what, can your boy at Mothercare get discount?
A MESSY BEDROOM - LATER
LYRICAL
You got something that can play this? Been a while since I even seen a tape...
You got something that can play this? Been a while since I even seen a tape...
RAGO MARK
Yeah man, I still got that same hi-fi from year seven!
Yeah man, I still got that same hi-fi from year seven!
LYRICAL
(laughing) Later! That must be a collectors item man! That’s some Cash in the Attic shit.
(laughing) Later! That must be a collectors item man! That’s some Cash in the Attic shit.
RAGO MARK
Dickhead. You wanna hear the Mixtape of Destiny you better respect the damn hi-fi.
Dickhead. You wanna hear the Mixtape of Destiny you better respect the damn hi-fi.
LYRICAL
They shouldn’t have called it the Mixtapeof Destiny. That name is weak. They should have called it something more aggy... like the Darkside Grit-Tape.
They shouldn’t have called it the Mixtapeof Destiny. That name is weak. They should have called it something more aggy... like the Darkside Grit-Tape.
RAGO MARK
Grit-tape?! You joker. I would have called it something deep but still kinda rugged like... Solid Love.
Grit-tape?! You joker. I would have called it something deep but still kinda rugged like... Solid Love.
LYRICAL
I swear MC Romeo’s album was called that.
I swear MC Romeo’s album was called that.
RAGO MARK
He had an album? I remember him doin’ a tune with that Christina Milian. She was LIVE!
He had an album? I remember him doin’ a tune with that Christina Milian. She was LIVE!
LYRICAL
Yeah yeah yeah she is deeper still. What, better than Lisa Maffia though?
Yeah yeah yeah she is deeper still. What, better than Lisa Maffia though?
RAGO MARK
Nah nah nah nah nah nah...
Nah nah nah nah nah nah...
LYRICAL
You get me. I wonder who named the Mixtape though. Like, who was there.
You get me. I wonder who named the Mixtape though. Like, who was there.
RAGO MARK
MC Creed?
MC Creed?
LYRICAL
Yeah, he is madly old still...
Yeah, he is madly old still...
RAGO MARK
ACTUALLY YOU KNOW WHAT! You know what I would call it?! The Mass Destruction Ultra-Shank Blessing.
ACTUALLY YOU KNOW WHAT! You know what I would call it?! The Mass Destruction Ultra-Shank Blessing.
LYRICAL
Yeah that’s a sick name still.
Yeah that’s a sick name still.
RAGO MARK
That’s what I told Claire that I wanted to call my first child.
That’s what I told Claire that I wanted to call my first child.
LYRICAL
What so she would get an abortion?
What so she would get an abortion?
RAGO MARK
Yeah man!
Yeah man!
LYRICAL
Joker. Is it ready?
Joker. Is it ready?
RAGO MARK puts the tape into a large, elaborate hi-fi and turns it on.
RAGO MARK
Yeah. What, shall I do it now?
Yeah. What, shall I do it now?
LYRICAL
Yeah bruv!
Yeah bruv!
RAGO MARK
What, you ready?
What, you ready?
LYRICAL
Course man. (pause) Nah, wait wait.
Course man. (pause) Nah, wait wait.
LYRICAL (CONT’D)
Aite man. Go on.
Aite man. Go on.
6 October 2008
Badmanz first draft
This is an early draft of the Badmanz script which we were developing into an animation. All has gone a bit quiet for the time being so I'm thinkin a Blazin Unit script might be a better use of my time. Anyway, have a look.
INTRO MUSIC
INT – MUSIC CLASSROOM – DAY
INT – MUSIC CLASSROOM – DAY
MR FREARS
Guys, I have to say, I am totally feeling that urban Dizzy Rascal mobo vibe you have going on there. Really cool. I could totally get down with that completely. Totally catching that vibe. Street…
TIDDY
I told you man. Brears like you just need to take the time to listen.
MR FREARS
Can you untie me now?
The camera pans out to reveal the MR FREARS tied to a chair. TIDDY, CAMEO and JEZZLE are standing around menacingly while FELIX sits with a keyboard on his lap
TIDDY
So you know who is gonna win the music competition tomorrow yeah?
MR FREARS
Let’s just say I have a very good idea boys, yes.
CAMEO
Go on…
TIDDY
He means us man.
CAMEO
You better mean us. I’ll shank you with a board marker blud, don’t think I haven’t done it before.
TIDDY
You ain’t done that before.
CAMEO
Yeah but don’t THINK it! Cos I will do it and then you will really have something to think about.
MR FREARS
What?
TIDDY
Just make sure we win. This ain’t a joke ting.
MR FREARS
OK guys, you’ve made yourself clear. I think it’s cool that you are so passionate about your music. Really excellent…
TIDDY pulls out a gun.
TIDDY
Leave us.
TIDDY pulls out a gun.
TIDDY
Leave us.
INT – MUSIC PRACTICE ROOM – DAY
CAMEO
We need this room now blud, get out before I ring my cousin. You pum pum.
PUPIL
But… we were here…
CAMEO
I’m ringing him now…
TIDDY
Bruv don’t get stupid. I’ll stab you wid your violin bruv it aint a long ting.
FELIX
Do you have a pass?
PUPIL
A pass?
PUPIL
A pass?
FELIX
Yes, this is a specialist practice room. I’m afraid you need a pass signed by Mr Frears.
PUPIL
Oh, ok. Sorry Felix. Sorry guys. I didn’t realise.
CAMEO
You’re lucky I got no credit.
TIDDY
Just get out man, move.
Tiddy produces a white label CD-R that reads GUNSHOT RIDDIMS.
TIDDY
Blud, put track 3 on. Come we get on some murky hype flow…
Tiddy starts to “spit” the most ridiculous lyrics. Desperate to get involved CAMEO charges up and grabs the mic and barely gets through a coherent sentence before he is stumbling over his words and the track has to be stopped.
FELIX
Guys, we need to get something written if we want to get taken seriously.
TIDDY
TIDDY
Yeah for real, we need something fresh man – that beat sounds like some 90s Artful Dodger fassy riddim. We need some next grime. We gotta make an impact man. If those those A&R brears are gonna give us a deal we gotta come with something that slaps them in the face and jacks their Nokia..
CAMEO
(excitedly) SPACE GRIME BRUV! I must have been on Fruity Loops last night yeah and I swear down I created a whole new genre of music! FUTURE SPACE GRIME! It sounds sick man its like some intergalactic crunk shit! Proper sick!
TIDDY
Alright fuck it. That’s the one. I’ll write the lyrics; Felix, you and Cameo can work on the beat. Jezzle, can sort out the outfits.
INT – SCHOOL HALL – DAY
There is a buzz in the air, a small boy is finishing a classical piano recital.
INT – DRESSING ROOM AREA – DAY
The boys are dressed in matching outfits and are holding various weapons. Cameo is smoking.
TIDDY
This is gonna be nuts man, I hope we get gun shots.
CAMEO
Me too blood. I hope I get shot.
FELIX
You’re are a strange young man.
MR FREARSLooking good guys, very urban. Especially you Felix. Super urban.
FELIX
Why? Because I’m black?
MR FREARS
No, no. Just… you know… your vibe.
TIDDYWhat’s the audience sayin?
MR FREARS
Chatty as always. I think you should find them very receptive. Although try to watch your language and Cameo please put out that joint, it’s not a good example for these kids.
CAMEO
(coughing) This is yours anyway… what do you mean kids?
MR FREARS
We don’t need the infants seeing you smoking.
FELIXWe’re playing for the infants?
MR FREARS
Yes and you’re on right now guys! Get out there!
FELIX
Oh god… I don’t know about this…
TIDDY
Shut up man! It’s up to us to show these kids real music from the streets. Our thoughts, feelings, trials and tribulations you get me…We don’t want them to grow up shielded from what goes on. We need to represent youth culture and open their eyes. It’s up to us to show what the youth of today is REALLY about.
CAMEO
(excitedly) SPACE GRIME BRUV! I must have been on Fruity Loops last night yeah and I swear down I created a whole new genre of music! FUTURE SPACE GRIME! It sounds sick man its like some intergalactic crunk shit! Proper sick!
TIDDY
Alright fuck it. That’s the one. I’ll write the lyrics; Felix, you and Cameo can work on the beat. Jezzle, can sort out the outfits.
INT – SCHOOL HALL – DAY
There is a buzz in the air, a small boy is finishing a classical piano recital.
INT – DRESSING ROOM AREA – DAY
The boys are dressed in matching outfits and are holding various weapons. Cameo is smoking.
TIDDY
This is gonna be nuts man, I hope we get gun shots.
CAMEO
Me too blood. I hope I get shot.
FELIX
You’re are a strange young man.
MR FREARSLooking good guys, very urban. Especially you Felix. Super urban.
FELIX
Why? Because I’m black?
MR FREARS
No, no. Just… you know… your vibe.
TIDDYWhat’s the audience sayin?
MR FREARS
Chatty as always. I think you should find them very receptive. Although try to watch your language and Cameo please put out that joint, it’s not a good example for these kids.
CAMEO
(coughing) This is yours anyway… what do you mean kids?
MR FREARS
We don’t need the infants seeing you smoking.
FELIXWe’re playing for the infants?
MR FREARS
Yes and you’re on right now guys! Get out there!
FELIX
Oh god… I don’t know about this…
TIDDY
Shut up man! It’s up to us to show these kids real music from the streets. Our thoughts, feelings, trials and tribulations you get me…We don’t want them to grow up shielded from what goes on. We need to represent youth culture and open their eyes. It’s up to us to show what the youth of today is REALLY about.
INT- SCHOOL HALL – DAY
The lights dim, spotlights appear and the gun sounds SFX go off – THE PERFORMANCE STARTS.
The BadManz peform the most explicit / heavy GRIME TUNE – full of expletives, references to bitches, gang culture etc. etc.
We see the small infant kids stunned, mouths open.
When Jezzle’s bit comes in (up until now he’s been silent) he MCs with the most gravely, heavy Jamaican accent.
When the music stops, Tiddy dedicates the track to his “Boy Soldiers” who cannot be with us today.
It ends with one of the four year old infants innocently repeating one of the many expletives he has just heard.
15 September 2008
Asbestos Dave
There is an Asbestos Dave at every university. In fact universities are filled with them – Asbestos Dave characteristics tend to reveal themselves when class A drugs have been consumed. These guys have got all the latest gadgets despite talking about how broke they are, they’ve travelled the world… you will not impress Asbestos Dave - essentially he has done everything you have but better and on drugs.
This is a snippet. Just to fill you in - Bernard is 65, newly single and attending Sussex University. One day it will all make sense.
This is a snippet. Just to fill you in - Bernard is 65, newly single and attending Sussex University. One day it will all make sense.
ASBESTOS DAVE
So what sort of shit are you into? Commercial or explorative?
BERNARD
Explorative? I’m not really into music. Bit of soul, motown, ya know. But I can put up with anything really, if it’s shit I can just turn off this baby! (BERNARD pulls out his hearing aid).
ASBESTOS DAVE
Cool.
BERNARD
WHAT? Hah, I’m joking. You’ll probably need one of these one day, that fuckin’ stuff on so loud all the time.
ASBESTOS DAVE
I only listen to what my body tells me is right. If my body said don't listen to it so loud I wouldn't. So… I probably won’t go deaf. It’s just about listening to your body. (he laughs) Your body won’t hurt itself you know.
BERNARD
Maybe you just can't hear it! What have you taken? You’re mental!
ASBESTOS DAVE
Not a lot. I’m trying out some shit from a friend of mine. Have you seen my mixer? It’s pretty much the most expensive you can get. Check this out.
ASBESTOS DAVE plays with the music, turning down the bass, then the treble and finally flicking the cross fader rapidly.
ASBESTOS DAVE
Not a lot of people have seen me mixing properly. I just do it when there’s no-one around. I hate showing off but this tune is sick. Have you heard this before? Gravity.
BERNARD
Nah. I like a bit of Marvin Gaye myself.
ASBESTOS DAVE
Yeah I got a Marvin Gaye Coldsnatch Remix. Sick. Do you want a spliff? I’ve got some Mongolian squidgy black and I’m pretty sure it’s cut with Oxo. Tastes amazing.
BERNARD
I’m alright with my Drum ta.
ASBESTOS DAVE
Drum’s cool. Yeah. I’m gonna skin this big style.
BERNARD
Sorry mate?
ASBESTOS DAVE
I was just saying I’m going to use two rizlas to skin up. Have you seen anyone do it before? Watch me if you want. I can do it perfectly every time.
BERNARD
You go for it son.
ASBESTOS DAVE
I might order a pizza. I can’t be fucked to cook. Ever.
BERNARD
I’m not much of a cook meself. The wife used to sort it out, we had a good little arrangement me and her. I’d do the washing up. Every Wednesday she would say to me, it’s your turn to cook, Wednesday night is your night… And every Wednesday I’d tell her to fack off! HA! She was a good girl.
ASBESTOS DAVE
Awesome. Smell that? Smells like absolute vibe is about to get caught. What? I thought you said something. I could cook if I wanted to - if I wanted to I could make you the best lobster you have ever tasted in your life. Just can not be fucked.
14 August 2008
Adulthood
SCREWBOAT
Bruv have you seen Adulthood?
LAMBSHANK
Yeah man that is serious!
SCREWBOAT
I know! It captures urban youth culture so effectively, particularly with its use of colloquial language, and with a gritty sense of realism that is as edifying as it is disturbing.
LAMBSHANK
What?
SCREWBOAT
Nah I was just saying like how my man was topboy and then he got moved up still.
LAMBSHANK
Seen seen.
Bruv have you seen Adulthood?
LAMBSHANK
Yeah man that is serious!
SCREWBOAT
I know! It captures urban youth culture so effectively, particularly with its use of colloquial language, and with a gritty sense of realism that is as edifying as it is disturbing.
LAMBSHANK
What?
SCREWBOAT
Nah I was just saying like how my man was topboy and then he got moved up still.
LAMBSHANK
Seen seen.
Lyrics
SCREWBOAT
I thought of the sickest lyric last night just when I was about to go sleep.
LAMBSHANK
How’d it go?
SCREWBOAT
I can’t remember. I think it was something to do with roofing.
LAMBSHANK
Roofing?
SCREWBOAT
Yeah but I can’t remember.
LAMBSHANK
Later. Sounds next.
SCREWBOAT
I know.
I thought of the sickest lyric last night just when I was about to go sleep.
LAMBSHANK
How’d it go?
SCREWBOAT
I can’t remember. I think it was something to do with roofing.
LAMBSHANK
Roofing?
SCREWBOAT
Yeah but I can’t remember.
LAMBSHANK
Later. Sounds next.
SCREWBOAT
I know.
Political
LAMBSHANK
You know what, if Russia tried to invade us I wouldn’t have it blud.
SCREWBOAT
Nah, I’d switch.
LAMBSHANK
I’d ring my cousin from East. They got armies man, serious.
SCREWBOAT
You know what, if Russia tried to invade us I wouldn’t have it blud.
SCREWBOAT
Nah, I’d switch.
LAMBSHANK
I’d ring my cousin from East. They got armies man, serious.
SCREWBOAT
Is it? What have they got tanks and that?
LAMBSHANK
Nah but they could blatently link some.
SCREWBOAT
What they got planes?
LAMBSHANKProbably.
SCREWBOAT
Submarines?
LAMBSHANK
Blud, why you gonna need a submarine if Russia invades London?
SCREWBOAT
So that you can hide in the river Thames and then pop up and start murkin guys.
LAMBSHANK
Oh yeah truesay. That would be sick.
SCREWBOAT
Russia wouldn’t chuck it anyway.
LAMBSHANK
Nah they know.
LAMBSHANK
Nah but they could blatently link some.
SCREWBOAT
What they got planes?
LAMBSHANKProbably.
SCREWBOAT
Submarines?
LAMBSHANK
Blud, why you gonna need a submarine if Russia invades London?
SCREWBOAT
So that you can hide in the river Thames and then pop up and start murkin guys.
LAMBSHANK
Oh yeah truesay. That would be sick.
SCREWBOAT
Russia wouldn’t chuck it anyway.
LAMBSHANK
Nah they know.
SCREWBOAT
We got too many tugs.
LAMBSHANK
Ezackly.
SCREWBOAT
We got more stabbings than anywhere in the world I reckon.
LAMBSHANK
We got bare stabbings.
SCREWBOAT
That shit speaks loud to other countries. Like, if you come try invade us you will get stabbed up. Rags.
LAMBSHANK
See the government think that knife crime is bad yeah but they’re just dumb blood. Knife crime is positive. It’s protection.
SCREWBOAT
From Russia.
LAMBSHANK
Yeah basically.
SCREWBOAT
LAMBSHANK
See the government think that knife crime is bad yeah but they’re just dumb blood. Knife crime is positive. It’s protection.
SCREWBOAT
From Russia.
LAMBSHANK
Yeah basically.
SCREWBOAT
And also from random brears who chuck it on road.
LAMBSHANK
Or won’t give you their phone.
SCREWBOAT
Ezackly.
LAMBSHANK
Or won’t give you their phone.
SCREWBOAT
Ezackly.
2 July 2008
A poem
Time Lines
Granny’s only forty but she’s already had a heart attack,
Another on the way and I wonder if she knows it,
Footsteps will be followed all the way to the end,
Filling shoes that are handed down,
Indifferent because they will never be yours,
Dreams that are lost before they are realised,
Young eyes see clearer than the clouded young mind,
Frustrated elders watching the lost youth,
Decision makers, time takers – who is really happiest?
30 June 2008
Drawing Inspiration
A homeless man is lying on a park bench with two cans of drink. He looks miserable. Noticing something taped underneath the bench, he finds a drawing of himself lying on the park bench with two cans of drink and looking miserable. The next day the man returns and finds another drawing, it is almost identical but this time includes a thought bubble which reads “What would I be without the drink?” The homeless man smiles and drinks. Returning once again the next day, the man is disappointed to find that there is no drawing.
He checks every day and for the next week there are no drawings. He grows thoughtful and spends a lot of time lying on the bench looking at the drawings. The next day the homeless man returns to the bench without any drink. He looks different. The man sits upright and looks about him, seeming to acknowledge the surroundings for the first time. He is approached by a child who speaks to him and shows off his football skills while the man watches and applauds. The boy passes him the ball but he shakes his head and passes it back awkwardly. The boy looks disappointed. In an attempt to redeem himself, the man does a coin trick. The little boy is amazed and runs off to tell his friends.
The next day the man returns looking smart; he finds a drawing taped underneath the bench. It is him performing the coin trick. The man smiles and looks around. He doesn’t have any drink with him. Later we see the boy once again showing off his football skills and passing the man the ball. This time the man laughs, pulls out a deck of cards and shuffles them effortlessly. Suddenly there is a group of children sitting cross legged on the floor, their eyes wide with excitement.
The next day the little boy comes to the bench but the man is not there. He notices something stuck to the bottom of the bench. It is a pack of cards.
He checks every day and for the next week there are no drawings. He grows thoughtful and spends a lot of time lying on the bench looking at the drawings. The next day the homeless man returns to the bench without any drink. He looks different. The man sits upright and looks about him, seeming to acknowledge the surroundings for the first time. He is approached by a child who speaks to him and shows off his football skills while the man watches and applauds. The boy passes him the ball but he shakes his head and passes it back awkwardly. The boy looks disappointed. In an attempt to redeem himself, the man does a coin trick. The little boy is amazed and runs off to tell his friends.
The next day the man returns looking smart; he finds a drawing taped underneath the bench. It is him performing the coin trick. The man smiles and looks around. He doesn’t have any drink with him. Later we see the boy once again showing off his football skills and passing the man the ball. This time the man laughs, pulls out a deck of cards and shuffles them effortlessly. Suddenly there is a group of children sitting cross legged on the floor, their eyes wide with excitement.
The next day the little boy comes to the bench but the man is not there. He notices something stuck to the bottom of the bench. It is a pack of cards.
The End
23 April 2008
Shit happens
This is based on characters that you would see in the park before school. Garian is actually a real person; on a school trip he once crushed a raw egg in his hand because a teacher told him he wouldn't be able to. I think Garian is more of an inspiration than he will ever know.
A Park. Four schoolchildren huddle round in a circle, from the centre of which grey smoke puffs out at regular intervals.
Greg
I need a shit
James
Yeah I always get that man. Zoots makes you need to shit, it’s a laxative I think.
Greg
So’s coffee. And all I’ve had for breakfast is coffee and spliffs so it’s not looking good for my insides.
James
(laughs) Yeah man.
A tall dark-skinned boy appears, he is partly in school uniform but the clothes are too small and have the effect of making him look overgrown. He is wearing his hood up and looks agitated. The two silent boys walk away slowly in the opposite direction as he approaches. James looks up and nods to him uneasily. Greg looks down at his feet uneasily.
James
Yes Garian. What’s up man?
Garian
Blood, what’s dat your smokin’?
James
Safe Garian, it’s a spliff.
Garian
Yeah yeah yeah pass dat pass dat.
He takes the spliff and smokes it quickly, as though in a rush, taking three or four pulls at a time before blowing out clouds of smoke at the boys.
Garian
What is it cool if I finish this ting? There’s only a couple bun left.
James
Yeah man fuck it. (attempting to be jovial) It’s just making us need to shit anyway!
Garian
What?
James
(awkwardly) Nah we were saying that it’s… like a laxative… like coffee…
Garian
You lot chat shit man. Who are you blud?
James
I’m James… blud. Yeah man, I’m in your Graphics class. With that prick Mr John.
Garian
Yeah blood yeah blood. What have you got a pound?
James
Nah man, nah.
Garian
What about you bredrin?
Greg
(clearing his throat) No I… left my money…
Garian
Don’t chat shit. Come on man I know you got a pound man.
Greg
Nah I don’t. I have a packed lunch.
Garian
Packed lunch ya nah! Joker. What, so if I was to make you jump, I wouldn’t hear any money in your pockets?
Greg
You…might hear my keys…
Garian
Later I bet you got bare p.
Garian goes to pat Gregs pockets but Greg steps back.
Greg
Allow it Garian.
Garian
What you mean allow it? You don’t know me.Who you movin’ away from?
Greg (lookin at James)
Fuck man…
James
What?
Greg
I think I just shit myself…
He reaches down the back of his trousers and when he pulls his hand out it’s covered with poo. At first he seems shocked and embarrassed but quickly his whole demeanour shifts and suddenly he stands tall, taking a step towards Garian and pointing his fingers at Garian as if it were a gun. James smiles and looks at Garian.
James
Oh shit! That is fucked…
Greg
Now what the fuck did you want big man?
Garian
(not backing down but evidently fazed) What are you gonna do with that blood? I got machines blood you don’t wanna fuck about.
Greg
(snatching the spliff off him with his clean hand) Give me that shit man. And go fuckin’ beg for money somewhere else you fuckin’ little cunt.
Garian
Nah blood, you’re fuckin wrong blood. Fuckin’ shittin’on yourself…
Greg
(coming at him with his hand outstretched) Get the fuck out my face before I give you a slap that you won’t forget.
Garian
(turning to James) What blood? You fink this is joke? What have you got for me?
James
(after pausing for a while with a strained expression) The same thing man.
He reaches back and reveals his hand is also covered with shit. He is laughing wildly.
Garian
Don’t try boy me, you know I’ll see you brears in school…
James
Oh shit… I can’t believe we just did that. That's pretty fuckin' mad.
Greg
I know, he’s such a fuckin’ donut. As If I’d actually shit myself (he pulls out a messy snickers bar from his back pocket and laughs)
James
(his expression changes suddenly) Yeah... See you later.
15 April 2008
Badmanz intro
Badmanz is an animation which so far has yet to see the light of day. We have recorded an intro skit and theme music and basically this is a storyboard to try and give an idea of what this intro/advert could look like. This is for Timbo, mostly because he is an animator but also because he is the only person who seems to read this blog. To be honest this is something I drew because more because I wanted to use my felt tips than any other reason but let me know your thoughts. Obviously this is not the most inspiring story board ever created but I'm hoping it will give you more of an idea of how the intro could look.
14 April 2008
Travel writing?
I have been toying with the idea of travel writing for some time and I decided that a short trip to Switzerland with my girlfriend Shion and her Japanese mother and cousins was a good opportunity to have a go. All of this is true. Apart from where I look like a twat and then it’s just to get a laugh. Obviously.
Switzerland I
I was groggily trying to convince myself that sleep deprivation was part of the holiday excitement when the taxi arrived. Despite the fact that we had left the house with plenty of time to spare the taxi driver seemed to have created an alternate imaginary scenario whereby we only had ten minutes to get from Richmond to Heathrow Airport and he was our heroic Keanu Reeves figure risking life and limb to get us there. And risk he did. Swinging round the corner at the bottom of Richmond Hill at 40 mph is not only recklessly stupid but also entirely impossible as this man found out when his catastrophically misjudged turn took us to the other side of the road for 2 seconds of bum clenching panic. The driver’s awkward laughter afterwards confirmed that he too had just shat himself. I was glad I had arranged my holiday insurance. Skiing is as dangerous as it is fun. No, I take that back. Skiing is as dangerous as the skier is shit. And I am a pretty shit skier. Anyway, ten minutes later we were at Heathrow Airport, still dazed by our early morning near death experience and moving our bulging luggage onto trollies with all the care and tenderness required to avoid the zip bursting and a discharge of colourful waterproofs all over Terminal 2.
Despite the fact that my knees tend to quarrel with the seat in front, I don’t mind planes. As I sat happily chomping on the cardboard sandwich that the British Airlines had cunningly named a “brioche”, my attention became focused on the TV in front of me. The flight was apparently too short to warrant any in flight entertainment and so we made do with a map of Europe over which flew a plane the size of Belgium, leaving a red line behind it. This, I gathered, was our plane and as I was reminded of the Indiana Jones films in which his travels were mapped in a similar fashion but enviably Indiana Jones’ journeys were carried out at a speed that even our taxi driver would have been proud of. Upon landing we took part in the obligatory but entirely inexplicable race to get to the conveyer belt to wait for our luggage. And then we waited.
After waiting four hours for BA to graciously arrange for the last of our bags to join us in Switzerland, we found our way to the train station and headed for the mountains. The views were amazing and I was impressed by the speed at which cameras were drawn for the occasion. Shion’s mum and her two cousins, Yorji and Taka, are Japanese and if I didn’t know it already I now know for sure that no-one on the planet is as wholeheartedly devoted to the documentation of every remotely exciting holiday moment as the Japanese. When my girlfriend’s grandmother came to visit from Japan she brought with her a memory card holder, like a miniature credit card holder, containing 6 memory cards. She went home with four filled memory cards and was probably disappointed with her lack of commitment. I decided I would try and fill my one memory card by the end of the holiday and did my best to keep up with the whirring cameras of my companions. The tram up to the hotel felt like the relaxing part of a rollercoaster and as I snapped away at the sunset happily I thought that was probably ominous.
I’m not sure about cheese fondue. It’s cheese sauce. It’s basically the same thing you put on macaroni cheese or cauliflower cheese except it’s on its own and you dip bread in it. Why make such a big show of it? I mean, it was nice and warm and cheesy but to be honest I expected more. Chocolate fondue I understand; dipping strawberries into hot melted chocolate is almost overtly luxurious. Dipping bits of bread into a big communal pan of cheese sauce is a meal from a Dickensian workhouse. I could mention that this was the nicest cheese sauce I’ve ever tasted but I wouldn’t want to ruin my dramatic condemnation. While I’m ranting, why do hotels sell you a double room and then give you two single beds pushed together? As far as I’m concerned that’s like sellotaping two radios together and calling it a TV. A double bed is one bed. Rant over. Goodnight.
Switzerland II
The next morning my excitement was matched only by my fatigue as my girlfriend dragged me down to the breakfast buffet. I love breakfast and as we would be skiing all day I made sure I ate twice as much as I normally would. Feeling uncomfortably full I put on my fifteen layers of clothing and got my skis. I wasn’t sure how to respond when the guy in the ski shop asked if I was any good so I said “medium” which to me was a simpler and less shameful way of saying “I can go forward and turn comfortably in at least one direction.” As we sat bulkily in the tram up to the mountains I was slightly nervous. Everyone else had been skiing since they were young, Shion and Miki had lived in Switzerland and Taka and Yorji regularly went skiing in Japan. I had been once and, although I had vague memories of being able to ski fairly well by the end of the trip, I was not confident in my ability. I was soon to realise that my nervousness was entirely justified.
Reaching the top of the mountain I was feeling good. As well as creating the illusion that I was a proper skier, my carefully planned layers of warmth and waterproofing were successfully keeping out the cold. I put my skis on and slid myself awkwardly along behind the others who were excitedly planning our first route down the mountain. I assumed that a blue run would be for children and disabled people so I was glad when we decided on a red run. There were quite a few people around, in fact the top of the mountain was fairly crowded, and the crowd slid towards the edge and gracefully zigzagged their way down the mountain. All I had to do was follow the crowd.
One moment I was shuffling towards the edge of a slope, the next I was facing downhill and picking up speed at a rate at which I was not entirely comfortable with. Gripped with a rush of sheer panic I clumsily turned and managed to slow myself, looking back just in time to see Shion’s mum tumbling into the snow. Secretly pleased that I may not be the worst skiier and reassured by my ability to slow myself down I carried on downwards, following behind Taka who was skilfully zipping past the other skiers. Once again I felt the adrenaline rising as my speed became more and more adventurous and, noticing that the slope was narrowing into a sharp, rather tricky looking bend, I decided once again to turn into the snow and slow myself. It didn’t work. I realised at this rather unfortunate instant that although I was fairly comfortable turning to my right, my skis refused to oblige in the same way when I asked them to turn left.
I picked myself up and shouted a friendly “Sorry mate” to the young man who I had smashed into. I accompanied it with the awkward laughter of a novice - someone who is both embarrassed and amused by his absolute lack of proficiency. He didn’t seem to respond, although I knew he was alive because he was standing up trying to work out where his other ski had gone. Somehow he had come out of it worse than me; probably because he wasn’t expecting to be wiped out by somebody going round a straightforward turn by going straight forward. His friend, or possibly relative as he was much older, skidded up and lifted him to his feet while offering me such valuable advice as “get a grip” and helpfully underlining the fact that I was “a danger to myself and others”. Highly amused and mildly traumatised I once again offered my awkward laughter and an apologetic response and without further ado decided it was a good time to continue making my way down the mountain.
I am pleased to say that this incident was the last of my catastrophes for this day and I won’t bore you with descriptions of the spectacular views of the white mountains that surrounded us other than to say that Switzerland has some of the most inconceivably beautiful scenery I have ever seen. Emerging out of the fir trees and being greeted by these impressive landscapes became more and more enjoyable as the day wore on. This was probably because of the obvious difficulty in appreciating a view while your skis amuse themselves with a tangle at your expense. Anyway, having ridden myself of the morning’s trauma, I was beginning to feel fairly confident and had it not been for worsening weather on the top of the mountain I would have happily been out there until it was too dark to identify which runs were blue.
Miki, my girlfriend’s mum, was very excited about the idea of us trying all the classic Swiss dishes; In fact I suspect that she had planned our daily food intake around the same time she booked the flights and hotel. So far she had excitedly introduced us to sausages, schnitzel, cheese fondue, and some sort of terrible alcohol that Swiss people make. Tonight we were going to eat meat fondue. Meat fondue is something I was not familiar with in any way. I knew cheese fondue was when you dip stuff into melted cheese and chocolate fondue was when you dipped stuff into chocolate so the idea of meat fondue was alarming and confusing. Would we be stabbing our little elongated forks into a saucepan with a lump of meat? I just didn’t know. But the reality of meat fondue was even more bizarre than I had imagined.
We were presented with an elaborate array of carefully folded rolls of thinly sliced meat, the kind of “chicken breast” meat that you buy in Asda for £1 and you have to throw it away after a day because as soon as you open it it hardens into a brown plastic sheet and starts smelling of gravy. These folds of meat were frozen into little icey toilet rolls of meat and in the middle of the trays of food, which I should mention also included olives and fruit and some other illogical additions, sat a saucepan full of what looked like stock or some sort of watery soup. The idea was that you dipped your meat, which incidentally broke like glass if you went near it with a fork, into the soup and then ate the thawed out meat, which at this stage looked like a wet handkerchief on a stick.
After this edifying experience we went back to the hotel room and, after noting that tomorrow, our last night, would certainly have to involve the “Rock and Roll band all the way from Southampton” who were playing in the bar downstairs, we went upstairs to collapse with exhaustion. One thing which I didn’t remember from the last time I had gone skiing was how much the motion of skiing stays with you even when you are off the slopes. As soon as I closed my eyes I felt myself moving from side to side and feeling the icey grind of the skiis skidding as I turned, spraying the snow up as a moved left to right to left…. Then I smashed into an imaginary South African and lay back happily, making the effort every now and then to cross the small but dangerously unpredictable gap to see how my girlfriend was doing on her irritatingly separate bed.
Switzerland I
I was groggily trying to convince myself that sleep deprivation was part of the holiday excitement when the taxi arrived. Despite the fact that we had left the house with plenty of time to spare the taxi driver seemed to have created an alternate imaginary scenario whereby we only had ten minutes to get from Richmond to Heathrow Airport and he was our heroic Keanu Reeves figure risking life and limb to get us there. And risk he did. Swinging round the corner at the bottom of Richmond Hill at 40 mph is not only recklessly stupid but also entirely impossible as this man found out when his catastrophically misjudged turn took us to the other side of the road for 2 seconds of bum clenching panic. The driver’s awkward laughter afterwards confirmed that he too had just shat himself. I was glad I had arranged my holiday insurance. Skiing is as dangerous as it is fun. No, I take that back. Skiing is as dangerous as the skier is shit. And I am a pretty shit skier. Anyway, ten minutes later we were at Heathrow Airport, still dazed by our early morning near death experience and moving our bulging luggage onto trollies with all the care and tenderness required to avoid the zip bursting and a discharge of colourful waterproofs all over Terminal 2.
Despite the fact that my knees tend to quarrel with the seat in front, I don’t mind planes. As I sat happily chomping on the cardboard sandwich that the British Airlines had cunningly named a “brioche”, my attention became focused on the TV in front of me. The flight was apparently too short to warrant any in flight entertainment and so we made do with a map of Europe over which flew a plane the size of Belgium, leaving a red line behind it. This, I gathered, was our plane and as I was reminded of the Indiana Jones films in which his travels were mapped in a similar fashion but enviably Indiana Jones’ journeys were carried out at a speed that even our taxi driver would have been proud of. Upon landing we took part in the obligatory but entirely inexplicable race to get to the conveyer belt to wait for our luggage. And then we waited.
After waiting four hours for BA to graciously arrange for the last of our bags to join us in Switzerland, we found our way to the train station and headed for the mountains. The views were amazing and I was impressed by the speed at which cameras were drawn for the occasion. Shion’s mum and her two cousins, Yorji and Taka, are Japanese and if I didn’t know it already I now know for sure that no-one on the planet is as wholeheartedly devoted to the documentation of every remotely exciting holiday moment as the Japanese. When my girlfriend’s grandmother came to visit from Japan she brought with her a memory card holder, like a miniature credit card holder, containing 6 memory cards. She went home with four filled memory cards and was probably disappointed with her lack of commitment. I decided I would try and fill my one memory card by the end of the holiday and did my best to keep up with the whirring cameras of my companions. The tram up to the hotel felt like the relaxing part of a rollercoaster and as I snapped away at the sunset happily I thought that was probably ominous.
I’m not sure about cheese fondue. It’s cheese sauce. It’s basically the same thing you put on macaroni cheese or cauliflower cheese except it’s on its own and you dip bread in it. Why make such a big show of it? I mean, it was nice and warm and cheesy but to be honest I expected more. Chocolate fondue I understand; dipping strawberries into hot melted chocolate is almost overtly luxurious. Dipping bits of bread into a big communal pan of cheese sauce is a meal from a Dickensian workhouse. I could mention that this was the nicest cheese sauce I’ve ever tasted but I wouldn’t want to ruin my dramatic condemnation. While I’m ranting, why do hotels sell you a double room and then give you two single beds pushed together? As far as I’m concerned that’s like sellotaping two radios together and calling it a TV. A double bed is one bed. Rant over. Goodnight.
Switzerland II
The next morning my excitement was matched only by my fatigue as my girlfriend dragged me down to the breakfast buffet. I love breakfast and as we would be skiing all day I made sure I ate twice as much as I normally would. Feeling uncomfortably full I put on my fifteen layers of clothing and got my skis. I wasn’t sure how to respond when the guy in the ski shop asked if I was any good so I said “medium” which to me was a simpler and less shameful way of saying “I can go forward and turn comfortably in at least one direction.” As we sat bulkily in the tram up to the mountains I was slightly nervous. Everyone else had been skiing since they were young, Shion and Miki had lived in Switzerland and Taka and Yorji regularly went skiing in Japan. I had been once and, although I had vague memories of being able to ski fairly well by the end of the trip, I was not confident in my ability. I was soon to realise that my nervousness was entirely justified.
Reaching the top of the mountain I was feeling good. As well as creating the illusion that I was a proper skier, my carefully planned layers of warmth and waterproofing were successfully keeping out the cold. I put my skis on and slid myself awkwardly along behind the others who were excitedly planning our first route down the mountain. I assumed that a blue run would be for children and disabled people so I was glad when we decided on a red run. There were quite a few people around, in fact the top of the mountain was fairly crowded, and the crowd slid towards the edge and gracefully zigzagged their way down the mountain. All I had to do was follow the crowd.
One moment I was shuffling towards the edge of a slope, the next I was facing downhill and picking up speed at a rate at which I was not entirely comfortable with. Gripped with a rush of sheer panic I clumsily turned and managed to slow myself, looking back just in time to see Shion’s mum tumbling into the snow. Secretly pleased that I may not be the worst skiier and reassured by my ability to slow myself down I carried on downwards, following behind Taka who was skilfully zipping past the other skiers. Once again I felt the adrenaline rising as my speed became more and more adventurous and, noticing that the slope was narrowing into a sharp, rather tricky looking bend, I decided once again to turn into the snow and slow myself. It didn’t work. I realised at this rather unfortunate instant that although I was fairly comfortable turning to my right, my skis refused to oblige in the same way when I asked them to turn left.
I picked myself up and shouted a friendly “Sorry mate” to the young man who I had smashed into. I accompanied it with the awkward laughter of a novice - someone who is both embarrassed and amused by his absolute lack of proficiency. He didn’t seem to respond, although I knew he was alive because he was standing up trying to work out where his other ski had gone. Somehow he had come out of it worse than me; probably because he wasn’t expecting to be wiped out by somebody going round a straightforward turn by going straight forward. His friend, or possibly relative as he was much older, skidded up and lifted him to his feet while offering me such valuable advice as “get a grip” and helpfully underlining the fact that I was “a danger to myself and others”. Highly amused and mildly traumatised I once again offered my awkward laughter and an apologetic response and without further ado decided it was a good time to continue making my way down the mountain.
I am pleased to say that this incident was the last of my catastrophes for this day and I won’t bore you with descriptions of the spectacular views of the white mountains that surrounded us other than to say that Switzerland has some of the most inconceivably beautiful scenery I have ever seen. Emerging out of the fir trees and being greeted by these impressive landscapes became more and more enjoyable as the day wore on. This was probably because of the obvious difficulty in appreciating a view while your skis amuse themselves with a tangle at your expense. Anyway, having ridden myself of the morning’s trauma, I was beginning to feel fairly confident and had it not been for worsening weather on the top of the mountain I would have happily been out there until it was too dark to identify which runs were blue.
Miki, my girlfriend’s mum, was very excited about the idea of us trying all the classic Swiss dishes; In fact I suspect that she had planned our daily food intake around the same time she booked the flights and hotel. So far she had excitedly introduced us to sausages, schnitzel, cheese fondue, and some sort of terrible alcohol that Swiss people make. Tonight we were going to eat meat fondue. Meat fondue is something I was not familiar with in any way. I knew cheese fondue was when you dip stuff into melted cheese and chocolate fondue was when you dipped stuff into chocolate so the idea of meat fondue was alarming and confusing. Would we be stabbing our little elongated forks into a saucepan with a lump of meat? I just didn’t know. But the reality of meat fondue was even more bizarre than I had imagined.
We were presented with an elaborate array of carefully folded rolls of thinly sliced meat, the kind of “chicken breast” meat that you buy in Asda for £1 and you have to throw it away after a day because as soon as you open it it hardens into a brown plastic sheet and starts smelling of gravy. These folds of meat were frozen into little icey toilet rolls of meat and in the middle of the trays of food, which I should mention also included olives and fruit and some other illogical additions, sat a saucepan full of what looked like stock or some sort of watery soup. The idea was that you dipped your meat, which incidentally broke like glass if you went near it with a fork, into the soup and then ate the thawed out meat, which at this stage looked like a wet handkerchief on a stick.
After this edifying experience we went back to the hotel room and, after noting that tomorrow, our last night, would certainly have to involve the “Rock and Roll band all the way from Southampton” who were playing in the bar downstairs, we went upstairs to collapse with exhaustion. One thing which I didn’t remember from the last time I had gone skiing was how much the motion of skiing stays with you even when you are off the slopes. As soon as I closed my eyes I felt myself moving from side to side and feeling the icey grind of the skiis skidding as I turned, spraying the snow up as a moved left to right to left…. Then I smashed into an imaginary South African and lay back happily, making the effort every now and then to cross the small but dangerously unpredictable gap to see how my girlfriend was doing on her irritatingly separate bed.
27 March 2008
Back of the Bus IV - The Mixtape
Screwboat
So whats the mixtape sayin? We got a name yet?
Lambshank
I got a deep name for it. The Lambshank Redemption.
Screwboat
That’s your name though man. Fuck that. Why can’t it be Screwboat Remention?
Lambshank
Re-dem-tion blood. Like the film innit. Its like a play on words.
Screwboat
I ain’t feelin’ PLAYS blood!
Lambshank
It aint a play it’s a film innit. Moran Freeman bruv you get me.
Screwboat
Lambshank Redemption… Nah man fuck that. I like the old name.
Lambshank
What ‘Garage Crew Party Vibes’? Nah man we’re more gutter than that man fuck that name man.
Screwboat
Nah, I meant the guts name.
Lambshank
Oh you mean ‘Oi Bruv Have You Got the Time on Your Phone vol 1.’… Yeah that’s alright… we need to speak to Rago Murkage 3000 and the rest of the Unit though.
Screwboat
Yeah. It needs to stand out straight away. The name needs to be so murky that you don’t even buy the record it just jacks your money.
Lambshank
Yeah blood… and gives it to us…
Screwboat
You get me…
So whats the mixtape sayin? We got a name yet?
Lambshank
I got a deep name for it. The Lambshank Redemption.
Screwboat
That’s your name though man. Fuck that. Why can’t it be Screwboat Remention?
Lambshank
Re-dem-tion blood. Like the film innit. Its like a play on words.
Screwboat
I ain’t feelin’ PLAYS blood!
Lambshank
It aint a play it’s a film innit. Moran Freeman bruv you get me.
Screwboat
Lambshank Redemption… Nah man fuck that. I like the old name.
Lambshank
What ‘Garage Crew Party Vibes’? Nah man we’re more gutter than that man fuck that name man.
Screwboat
Nah, I meant the guts name.
Lambshank
Oh you mean ‘Oi Bruv Have You Got the Time on Your Phone vol 1.’… Yeah that’s alright… we need to speak to Rago Murkage 3000 and the rest of the Unit though.
Screwboat
Yeah. It needs to stand out straight away. The name needs to be so murky that you don’t even buy the record it just jacks your money.
Lambshank
Yeah blood… and gives it to us…
Screwboat
You get me…
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