Festive

Here is a little poem I wrote around Christmas time. It makes me sound like a bit of a Scrooge but I promise I'm not.



The warmth of the cold
Bringing
Everyone together
Except for the ones who don't get along
They
Need to be organised carefully
Clouds of coughing
The high streets filled with desperation
Eating more than is neccessary but less than is required
Groovy uncles come out of their shells
The masses retreat into alcoholism
Tired children
Grumpy
Sitting in front of the TV watching
Snow
White
A whole year of energy saving goes out of the window
And around a tree
A tangle of strangling contradictions
Jesus.

People Just Do Nothing - Studio Footage

We filmed a few scenes/ interviews to get a feel for the characters and to get used to being on camera. It's all new for us, none of us are actors, so none of us were sure how it would turn out. After seeing the footage I am really excited about it and I'm confident that we could film a full length episode. Obviously we'd need to have a few less swearwords but generally I think it has enormous potential.

Super Ordinary

This is a film by Ben Murray and Rory Matheson. I was asked to be involved with because I "fitted the part" (in other words it was generally felt that I would look hilarious in purple spandex and yellow pants). I did - the film was a success.

It was shot for the super8 competition so everything was done in one take with no editing.

London to Brighton

I sit on the train
with a pad
and a pen
and
a book of poems,
it must look like I'm
studying
because the guard walks past and says
"It's an exciting life isn't it?"
I think
he expects me to
respond
in the negative
with a similar sense of
sarcasm
but I agree!
It is
an exciting life.
I'm excited about where
I'm going
even if you're not.
Twat.
Don't
put a hole in my ticket
please,
I'll use that
again.

FELLA

A quiet pub. An elderly couple sit silently on a nearby table as FELLA, 33, who is sporty but slightly overweight, conversates with JEREMY, 21. JEREMY looks around awkwardly.

FELLA

So he goes up to his mum and he’s like, “Mum, why is my dick so much bigger than all the other kids at school? Is it cos I is black?”

JEREMY

Yeah...

FELLA

She goes “Nah, it’s cos your 26 and a retard now watch you don’t get spaghetti down your Arsenal shirt.”

JEREMY

That’s a good one.

FELLA

S’a true story.

JEREMY(sarcastically) Yeah alright!

FELLA

S’a fuckin’ true story! Mate of mine told me. (he pauses and looks confused) You tryna mug me off?

JEREMY(laughing)

No I just... it’s a good one...

FELLA

Good what? Fuck you laughin’ at?

JEREMY (suddenly scared and defensive)

I thought you just told a joke!

FELLA

I’ll fuckin’ knock you out.

JEREMY

Sorry.

FELLA

Nah I’m just fuckin’ about.

Enter DAVID, 22. He is young, slightly effeminate, good looking.

FELLA

Waaay! Here he is!

DAVID

You alright? Anyone need a drink?

FELLA

I’ll ‘ave a Carlin darlin.

JEREMY

No, I’m ok.

FELLA

He's ok. Fanny.

DAVID comes back from the bar with two drinks.

FELLA

That Sophie bird...

DAVID

What?

FELLA

She’s alright in’t she?

DAVID

She’s alright. I think she just looks good in comparison to the rest of the girls at work.

FELLA

Who?

DAVID

That Sophie girl.

FELLA

Oh yeah! Fit as mate.

DAVID

I dunno.

FELLA

Anyway, you know I shagged her?

DAVID

Nope. I thought she was married?

FELLA

Marriage is just for the kids. It’s like santa. We all know it’s bollocks.

DAVID

What do you mean “like santa”?

FELLA

Like, not real.

DAVID

He’s... not real?

FELLA

What?

DAVID

I’m jokin’.

FELLA

Are you muggin me off?

DAVID

I dunno.

FELLA

What? Anyway yeah, so I had her. S’alright. Another notch on the bedpost.

DAVID

I thought you slept on your ex’s sofa?

FELLA

Yeah.

DAVID

So you don’t have bed posts!

FELLA

Does your bed?

DAVID

Nah, mine...

FELLA

(interrupting) Well then... (he pauses thoughtfully)... even if there was you wouldn’t have many notches.

DAVID

What is a notch anyway?

FELLA

A shag.

DAVID

No, I mean like “a notch on the bedpost” - what is a notch on a bedpost?

FELLA

S’a shag you cunt.

DAVID

No, I get it - it’s a metaphorical reflection of the accumulation of shags- I get that but what is an actual physical notch on a bedpost? Like, what would that look like? Where did that figure of speech come from?

FELLA

Do you want a glass in the face? The point is I got more notches on my bedpost than both of you lot put together.

JEREMY (thoughtfully)

My bed has posts.

DAVID

Does it have notches?

JEREMY

I’m not sure.

Blazin Unit the movie

The Mixtape of Destiny... coming soon... here is a snippet

SCENE 1 - A PARK - LATE AT NIGHT
Two hooded figures sit on a bench in the middle of an eerily dark, deserted green. Trains and tower blocks nearby indicate a city.

A cyclist appears from some bushes at the other end of the park and frantically pedals towards the two figures. He is dressed in black and wears sunglasses.

The two figures stand as the mysterious cyclist quickly approaches. Leaping of his bike, the cyclist darts towards the two figures and lays a small package on the floor in front of them before sprinting furiously away.

LYRICAL
Oi, where did you get this bruv?

FIGURE (SHOUTING FROM A DISTANCE)
I found it. Just like you are finding it. I know nothing.

RAGO MARK
He left his bike.

LYRICAL
Yeah...

SCENE 2 - HOUNSLOW HIGH STREET - LATE AT NIGHT.
LYRICAL walks while RAGO MARK rides the bike.

RAGO MARK
What’s on that ting man?

LYRICAL
I dunno man. Everyone’s got their own theory you get me? I heard its the first garage mixtape ever created - they put an old record on 45 rpm by accident instead of 33 and one dude just started MCing...

RAGO MARK
One brear told me that Oxide and Neutrino used to work in Mothercare ‘til they heard the mixtape.

LYRICAL
That’s mad.

RAGO MARK
I know

LYRICAL
Mothercare... that’s nuts.

RAGO MARK
That’s what I’m sayin’... I know one guy who works there now. But he ain’t ever gonna hear no mixtape. This is our time man. B Unit ya get mah!

LYRICAL
Yeah rude boy! Our time to shine!

RAGO MARK
I need to get famous man, quick. This shit is takin’ too long right now.

LYRICAL
What was goin on with my man in the park?! He looked lost bruv!

RAGO MARK
He looked cracked man.

LYRICAL
I overheard one guy in Pizza Hut talkin about the mixtape and he said that the UN were after it cos it is catagorised as a weapon of mass destruction!

RAGO MARK
Seen. What is UN? A crew?

LYRICAL
Government ting.

RAGO MARK
Seen, seen. Mass destruction sounds nuts. We should call our album that.

LYRICAL
Means we gotta be careful with this thing though.

RAGO MARK
What, you shook?!

LYRICAL
Nah nah, but we just need to hold it down. It is deeper than we even know bruv. One boy from college said that it aint even a proper mixtape. It’s a metaphor.

RAGO MARK
What’s that?

LYRICAL
I dunno but it sounds deeper still.

RAGO MARK
Truesay. There’s none for havin’ some fuckin men in black guys knockin at my mums yard. She would batter me... Last time jakes came to the house she tried to shank me blud!

LYRICAL
Your mum is joke.

RAGO MARK
Ain’t a joke when it’s real blud. I had to stay in my bathroom for two days. Man was eatin soap and drinkin toilet water.

LYRICAL
(Laughing)
Why didn’t you just drink from the tap?

RAGO MARK
I was tied up.

LYRICAL
Later... (long pause)...so what, can your boy at Mothercare get discount?

A MESSY BEDROOM - LATER

LYRICAL
You got something that can play this? Been a while since I even seen a tape...

RAGO MARK
Yeah man, I still got that same hi-fi from year seven!

LYRICAL
(laughing) Later! That must be a collectors item man! That’s some Cash in the Attic shit.

RAGO MARK
Dickhead. You wanna hear the Mixtape of Destiny you better respect the damn hi-fi.

LYRICAL
They shouldn’t have called it the Mixtapeof Destiny. That name is weak. They should have called it something more aggy... like the Darkside Grit-Tape.

RAGO MARK
Grit-tape?! You joker. I would have called it something deep but still kinda rugged like... Solid Love.

LYRICAL
I swear MC Romeo’s album was called that.

RAGO MARK
He had an album? I remember him doin’ a tune with that Christina Milian. She was LIVE!

LYRICAL
Yeah yeah yeah she is deeper still. What, better than Lisa Maffia though?

RAGO MARK
Nah nah nah nah nah nah...

LYRICAL
You get me. I wonder who named the Mixtape though. Like, who was there.

RAGO MARK
MC Creed?

LYRICAL
Yeah, he is madly old still...

RAGO MARK
ACTUALLY YOU KNOW WHAT! You know what I would call it?! The Mass Destruction Ultra-Shank Blessing.

LYRICAL
Yeah that’s a sick name still.

RAGO MARK
That’s what I told Claire that I wanted to call my first child.

LYRICAL
What so she would get an abortion?

RAGO MARK
Yeah man!

LYRICAL
Joker. Is it ready?

RAGO MARK puts the tape into a large, elaborate hi-fi and turns it on.

RAGO MARK
Yeah. What, shall I do it now?

LYRICAL
Yeah bruv!

RAGO MARK
What, you ready?

LYRICAL
Course man. (pause) Nah, wait wait.

LYRICAL takes a spliff which has been tucked behind his ear and puts it in his mouth. He puts up his hood. Then he stares at the floor with a look of deep concentration and breathes deeply.

LYRICAL (CONT’D)
Aite man. Go on.

Badmanz first draft

This is an early draft of the Badmanz script which we were developing into an animation. All has gone a bit quiet for the time being so I'm thinkin a Blazin Unit script might be a better use of my time. Anyway, have a look.

INTRO MUSIC

INT – MUSIC CLASSROOM – DAY

MR FREARS
Guys, I have to say, I am totally feeling that urban Dizzy Rascal mobo vibe you have going on there. Really cool. I could totally get down with that completely. Totally catching that vibe. Street…

TIDDY
I told you man. Brears like you just need to take the time to listen.

MR FREARS
Can you untie me now?

The camera pans out to reveal the MR FREARS tied to a chair. TIDDY, CAMEO and JEZZLE are standing around menacingly while FELIX sits with a keyboard on his lap

TIDDY
So you know who is gonna win the music competition tomorrow yeah?

MR FREARS
Let’s just say I have a very good idea boys, yes.

CAMEO
Go on…

TIDDY
He means us man.

CAMEO
You better mean us. I’ll shank you with a board marker blud, don’t think I haven’t done it before.

TIDDY
You ain’t done that before.

CAMEO
Yeah but don’t THINK it! Cos I will do it and then you will really have something to think about.

MR FREARS
What?

TIDDY
Just make sure we win. This ain’t a joke ting.

MR FREARS

OK guys, you’ve made yourself clear. I think it’s cool that you are so passionate about your music. Really excellent…

TIDDY pulls out a gun.

TIDDY
Leave us.

INT – MUSIC PRACTICE ROOM – DAY

CAMEO
We need this room now blud, get out before I ring my cousin. You pum pum.

PUPIL
But… we were here…

CAMEO
I’m ringing him now…

TIDDY
Bruv don’t get stupid. I’ll stab you wid your violin bruv it aint a long ting.

FELIX

Do you have a pass?

PUPIL
A pass?

FELIX
Yes, this is a specialist practice room. I’m afraid you need a pass signed by Mr Frears.

PUPIL
Oh, ok. Sorry Felix. Sorry guys. I didn’t realise.

CAMEO
You’re lucky I got no credit.

TIDDY
Just get out man, move.

Tiddy produces a white label CD-R that reads GUNSHOT RIDDIMS.

TIDDY
Blud, put track 3 on. Come we get on some murky hype flow…

Tiddy starts to “spit” the most ridiculous lyrics. Desperate to get involved CAMEO charges up and grabs the mic and barely gets through a coherent sentence before he is stumbling over his words and the track has to be stopped.

FELIX

Guys, we need to get something written if we want to get taken seriously.

TIDDY

Yeah for real, we need something fresh man – that beat sounds like some 90s Artful Dodger fassy riddim. We need some next grime. We gotta make an impact man. If those those A&R brears are gonna give us a deal we gotta come with something that slaps them in the face and jacks their Nokia..

CAMEO
(excitedly) SPACE GRIME BRUV! I must have been on Fruity Loops last night yeah and I swear down I created a whole new genre of music! FUTURE SPACE GRIME! It sounds sick man its like some intergalactic crunk shit! Proper sick!

TIDDY
Alright fuck it. That’s the one. I’ll write the lyrics; Felix, you and Cameo can work on the beat. Jezzle, can sort out the outfits.


INT – SCHOOL HALL – DAY

There is a buzz in the air, a small boy is finishing a classical piano recital.

INT – DRESSING ROOM AREA – DAY
The boys are dressed in matching outfits and are holding various weapons. Cameo is smoking.

TIDDY
This is gonna be nuts man, I hope we get gun shots.

CAMEO
Me too blood. I hope I get shot.

FELIX
You’re are a strange young man.

MR FREARSLooking good guys, very urban. Especially you Felix. Super urban.

FELIX
Why? Because I’m black?

MR FREARS
No, no. Just… you know… your vibe.

TIDDYWhat’s the audience sayin?

MR FREARS
Chatty as always. I think you should find them very receptive. Although try to watch your language and Cameo please put out that joint, it’s not a good example for these kids.
CAMEO
(coughing) This is yours anyway… what do you mean kids?

MR FREARS
We don’t need the infants seeing you smoking.

FELIXWe’re playing for the infants?

MR FREARS
Yes and you’re on right now guys! Get out there!

FELIX
Oh god… I don’t know about this…

TIDDY
Shut up man! It’s up to us to show these kids real music from the streets. Our thoughts, feelings, trials and tribulations you get me…We don’t want them to grow up shielded from what goes on. We need to represent youth culture and open their eyes. It’s up to us to show what the youth of today is REALLY about.

INT- SCHOOL HALL – DAY

The lights dim, spotlights appear and the gun sounds SFX go off – THE PERFORMANCE STARTS.

The BadManz peform the most explicit / heavy GRIME TUNE – full of expletives, references to bitches, gang culture etc. etc.

We see the small infant kids stunned, mouths open.

When Jezzle’s bit comes in (up until now he’s been silent) he MCs with the most gravely, heavy Jamaican accent.

When the music stops, Tiddy dedicates the track to his “Boy Soldiers” who cannot be with us today.

It ends with one of the four year old infants innocently repeating one of the many expletives he has just heard.