Back of the Bus IV - The Mixtape

Screwboat
So whats the mixtape sayin? We got a name yet?

Lambshank
I got a deep name for it. The Lambshank Redemption.

Screwboat
That’s your name though man. Fuck that. Why can’t it be Screwboat Remention?

Lambshank
Re-dem-tion blood. Like the film innit. Its like a play on words.

Screwboat
I ain’t feelin’ PLAYS blood!

Lambshank
It aint a play it’s a film innit. Moran Freeman bruv you get me.

Screwboat
Lambshank Redemption… Nah man fuck that. I like the old name.

Lambshank
What ‘Garage Crew Party Vibes’? Nah man we’re more gutter than that man fuck that name man.

Screwboat
Nah, I meant the guts name.

Lambshank
Oh you mean ‘Oi Bruv Have You Got the Time on Your Phone vol 1.’… Yeah that’s alright… we need to speak to Rago Murkage 3000 and the rest of the Unit though.

Screwboat
Yeah. It needs to stand out straight away. The name needs to be so murky that you don’t even buy the record it just jacks your money.

Lambshank
Yeah blood… and gives it to us…

Screwboat
You get me…

Back of the Bus III

LAMBSHANK
Come we link a bens.

SCREWBOAT
I ain’t got any funds bruv.

LAMBSHANK
I beg you shank your nan and take a tenner out of her purse.

SCREWBOAT
Fuck that. That’s your answer to everything man.

LAMBSHANK
Nah it aint.

SCREWBOAT
Yeah it is. No money for McDonalds, Screwboat I beg you shank your nan… No money for cinema, Screwboat I beg you shank your nan. I ain’t shankin her anymore. She’s shook to answer the door, I have to pretend I’m selling windows and shit. Why don’t YOU you shank YOUR nan?

LAMBSHANK
I shanked my nan so you could pay bus fare blud!

SCREWBOAT
Nah you didn’t. I would never pay bus fare. Man a shank a bus driver for tryna make me pay bus fare. I’m still getting on for free when I’m a grandad bruv watch. I’ll still say I’m child fare you get me!

LAMBSHANK
You get a grandad pass when you’re a grandad.

SCREWBOAT
Shut up.

LAMBSHANK
Anyway, I’ve shanked my nan bare times for you. You’re a dickhead.

SCREWBOAT
(after a long pause) What else can we shank?

LAMBSHANK
I dunno... Anything...

SCREWBOAT
Yeah... The other day I shanked the microphone while I was spittin’ cos I got so aggy!

LAMBSHANK
Yeah I did that a few times still… still… We could shank each others nans?

SCREWBOAT
Yeah blud! Aite let's do it!

LAMBSHANK
(pauses) What is shank?

Heros Interview part 1

This was inspired by my traumatic attempts to get a job after university. I had never had any interviews and, although obviously not a factual account of my experiences, a lot of these scenes were genuine fears that I had. After my second miserable interview I went home and wrote this to make me feel better. I ended up getting the job and I haven't wet the bed since. I think it needs a lot of work but could potentially be a decent short film.

Scene One- Bed Monologue
A young man, Hero, is struggling to drag himself out of bed. On the chair next to his bed lies a suit with a shirt and tie neatly placed on top. Hero stares at this thoughtfully.

Hero (Voiceover)
I can’t let that dream be a bad omen. I bet lots of people have dreams like that before a big interview. Yeah it makes perfect sense, the teeth falling out part is common enough, it means you’re worried about how your appearance or something… I wonder what wetting yourself in the Job Centre means… I wonder what wetting the bed means… Oh well, four hours sleep is fine. I bet loads of people survive on four hours of sleep a night. Like soldiers and people who live next to students.

Hero puts on the clothes slowly and awkwardly.

Hero
This shirt is huge but it looks alright with the jacket. Ok, that’s that. Suited and booted. Ok. Looks, ten out of ten as long as I keep the jacket on. Comfort… three at best. Fuck it, that’s fine. That’s what working life is all about, suffering in silence, braving the misery of day to day life… How do people wear this every day? Oh god. It’s like a needy little silk python wrapped around my neck. Maybe I will do a Masters after all. I wonder if this is the only reason people do Masters? Just to be a student for one more year. This is all getting too much. I haven’t even had an interview yet and my job is eating away at me! I’m definitely going to have a panic attack in the interview. I can see it now. Collapsing onto the floor… I’ll probably wet myself again. Oh god. Relax. Ten out of ten for looks. Oh, maybe nine. Need a shave.

Scene 2- Bathroom Monologue
Hero stares at himself in the mirror. His face is covered with shaving foam and he stands with the razor poised as though he is not unsure where to begin.

Hero (Voiceover)
Maybe I should grow a moustache so they will take me more seriously. People with moustaches always get taken seriously... Apart from Gary Neville. And to be fair, that is the kind of wispy nose tickler that I would be looking at. No I’ll go for fresh-faced, young, eager and ready to learn. I hope they don’t ask me anything too difficult. I feel so sick I think I will probably vomit on myself. I wonder if they will still give me a job if I vomit on myself. Probably not. I’ll have to swallow it or catch it. Maybe I’ll take a little bag or a cup or something... SHIT! I’ve cut my lip! Who cuts their LIP shaving?! My lip! This is a nightmare, ok just carry on and finish shaving. Make sure there’s no more cuts. Shit, I’m bleeding into my mouth! They’re going to think I’m some sort of horrific vampire man. Vampires don’t count under equal opportunities I suppose. They will be worried about all the documents being covered in blood…

Scene 3 – Dining Table
Hero sits eating his Weetabix which he eats with difficulty, trying to negotiate with the plaster that hangs bloody from his top lip.

Hero
Why is everyone texting me good luck? How do they even know I have an interview? Now there’s more pressure! God. I have put way too much deodorant on. It feels like I’ve got some sort of powdery white jam under my armpits. Fuck. What am I going to do!? I have to leave in 2 minutes and my lip is still bleeding everywhere! Tissue… It’s not stopping… Ok, I’ll wear a plaster just until I get there. Surely it will have stopped by then. Now, how do you put a plaster on your lip when it’s lip is pissing blood. I suppose stick one end to the top… and tuck the other one… into your mouth… under… your lip…. Well that feels strange but at least it will stop people from seeing the blood. Fuck, no time. Ok, quick bit of toast. This is horrible. I’m sweating already and I haven’t even left the house yet. God. Its like wallpaper paste under my arms. I hope they don’t stuck down... maybe I'll scrape them before I go...

Heros Interview part 2

Scene 4 - Local Shop
Hero speaks to an elderly shopkeeper who is clearly having difficulty understanding what he is saying

Hero
… Just kind of a formal smell… you know, not too minty but nothing wacky like strawberry or anything. I need to smell like I have good personal hygiene and like I’m mature... I need to smell mature. Do you know what I mean?

Shopkeeper
No sir.

Hero
Ok, let me… so you understand. I’m going to an interview. I need my breath to smell nice but not too nice. I don’t want them to notice it. I want it to be just… air. Not noticeable. If it’s too minty, I’ve made too much of an effort. If it’s…

Shopkeeper
We have spearmint. This is a milder mint flavour.

Hero
How mild?

Shopkeeper
I… I don’t know.

Hero
Ok, I’ll take three packets. No just one. Two. One. I only need one. I need a drink aswell… (he studies the fridge carefully)

Hero (voiceover)
God. So many decisions. What looks sensible. Water is sensible. Bottled water. But is that bad for the environment? Organic apple juice..? Does it look weird if I have a carton of juice in my interview? I would have to make sure I didn’t finish it there ‘cos of that noise your straw makes when it runs out. That would definitely put them off. Maybe they would think I was very laid back. No, I’d look like a child. I need something grown up. Something serious. Water is serious. Water from Scotland. Perfect.

Hero
One water from Scotland aswell.

Shopkeeper
Ninety five please.

The shop keeper takes the money and hands Hero some change which he immediately puts into the charity box on the counter, smiling at the Shopkeeper as he does so.

Hero (voiceover)
I’m a good person. If I don’t get this job then karma obviously doesn’t exist. I wish they could have seen me do that. Maybe I’ll tell them in the interview.

Scene 5 - Reception Area
Hero approaches a bright reception desk looking dishevelled and anxious.

Hero
Hello I’m here for an interview with Miss Kocha-lo-popa-how you say it?

Kucholopodopodus
(from behind) It’s Mrs… Kucholopodopodus…

Hero
Oh, sorry yeah. No I wrote it down but I got blood on…

Kucholopodopodus
You must be Hero?

Hero
YUP! Yeah, I mean yes. That is me. Hero. Everyone should have a Hero in their team!

Kucholopodopodus

You have a bit of plaster…

Hero (Voiceover)
Shit, shit I forgot the fucking plaster!

Hero
Oh thank you. Yeah… I cut myself shaving… on my lip. Had to be today of all days.

Kucholopodopodus
Indeed. Follow me please Stephen.

Hero
YUP! Yes. Certainly.

Hero (Voiceover)
FUCK FUCK SHE SAW THE PLASTER SHE IS GONNA THINK IM A COMPLETE SPASTIC! AND WHY HAVE I STARTED SAYING YUP!? I HAVE NEVER SAID YUP IN MY ENTIRE LIFE AND ALREADY I’VE SAID IT TWICE!

Hero and Kucholopodopodus enter a small room with three very smart men who look at Hero sceptically.

Kucholopodopodus (finishing her question)
…here today?

Hero
Sorry? Yes I am here today…

Kucholopodopodus
I asked how it was that you got here today?

Hero
Oh I walked. I live just down there. Kind of down there and left and up the hill bit. But yeah just there basically yeah…

Kucholopodopodus
Have you lived here long?

Hero
Oh just a few months. I just finished uni so I moved back with my parents and now I’m trying to get away from them (laughs awkwardly) No I’m not. I am sortof.

Kucholopodopodus
Ok. This is William Phenis and Joanna McDermot. William is the manag….

Hero (Voiceover)
WILLIAM PENIS! HIS NAME IS WILLIAM PENIS! WILLY! WILLY PENIS! This is TOO funny I cant wait… oh god they’ve asked me something…

Hero
Yes, it is nice to meet you all… Im sorry what was the question? (drinks water)

Phenis
I am aware my name is particularly amusing…

Hero (Voiceover)
(choking, coughing) Oh my god he can read my thoughts! He knows everything I’m thinking!

Hero
No no I wasn’t thinking about that. My name’s pretty stupid aswell. Not that your name is stupid but… Hero! Who calls their son that? At least your mum didn’t really have a choice. Apart from the Willy bit. William! …bit…

Phenis
What Mrs Kucholopodopodus was saying is that this job requires a great deal of organisation and careful presentation…

Hero (Voiceover)
Oh god, she’s talking about the plaster... FUCK! NOW HE KNOWS!

Phenis (who has been speaking)
…suited to the role?

Hero
(in an automated manner)Yes, I think I am very much suited for the role as I am both hard-working and organised. I have good time management skills and I am very good at using computers.

Hero (Voiceover)
OH YEAH! Nailed that one… But what’s the point if he he knows I came here with a plaster in my mouth?! This is all just formality. They all know I have already blown it. I’m sure he was looking at my lip just then. I can still taste the plaster… Oh god I’m making it worse, he can hear me. Need to stop thinking. I am SO HOT! I can feel the sweat on my forehead. Even if I had planned to take off my jacket and reveal my horrible baggy shirt I definitely couldn’t do it now… My BACK is sweaty! I never get a sweaty back! And as for my armpits… Id be surprised if the sweat rings didn’t meet in the middle. Very surprised. At least it’s watered down the jammy pits…

Phenis
Have you any experience working in an office environment?

Hero
Yes, I have worked with other people who are also doing work at a row of computers in the library. Is that similar? I don’t really know… I suppose some of them weren’t working, they were probably on facebook! But theres probably a few on facebook in most offices isn’t there? (laughing crazily) No I wouldn’t go on it. But I know people that would. I would tell them not to. Facebook is rubbish anyway. Sorry. No I suppose I haven’t. Worked in an office that is.

Kucholopodopodus
Are you familiar with any computer programs?

Hero (Voiceover)
Well I am an accomplished downloader of illegal music and pornography…

Hero
No not really. I mean, yes. Word and Excel and that. Erm… Powerpoint. Yeah… that’s the main ones I have used. I did a GCSE in I.T. aswell.

Hero (Voiceover)
Not that I remember any fucking thing about it. I don’t even remember what I wrote my dissertation on and that was 2 months ago.

Kucholopodopodus
What kinds of things did you do on Excel for example?

Hero
Oh, number stuff. I think we added up the boxes and… made… totals…

Hero (Voiceover)
I wonder if I could bribe them, maybe if I give them something they will think I’m a nice guy and will want to work with me. Haven’t got any money though… Aha… perfect.

Hero
Does anyone want a chewing gum?

Phenis
No, thank you Hero. We don’t usually chew gum in this office.

Hero
(chewing already but quickly spitting it out again) No, me neither. Just needed a little taste. Little hit. (awkward silence) I’m not addicted to it or anything… just… dry mouth. Have you got a bin? I have a…

Hero (Voiceover)
Bollocks. I’ve spat it onto my sleeve. I can’t let them see this. I’m going to have to take off the jacket and fold it so the chewing gum is invisible then mime the process of going to the bin and discarding it…

Kucholopodopodus
Yes there’s one just here.

Hero peels the jacket off his back and reveals a sweat drenched shirt. He walks to the bin and stands with his back to the three interviewers as he bends down mimicking putting something in the bin. Then he smiles politely as he walks back to his seat.

Kucholopodopodus
Are you sure you got it?

Hero
Oh yeah, threw it straight in. Yep. Sitting in the bin there. Definitely did that really.

Kucholopodopodus
I think you might still have a bit…

Hero (Voiceover)
Oh. God. What is that white line from my chair to my… sleeve… I’m attached to my chair! The chewing gum…..IS CONNECTING ME TO THE CHAIR FIVE FEET AWAY FROM ME! Oh GOD! Is this really happening?! Make them laugh! Quickly!

Hero
Wow look... De-ne-ne-ne-ne-ne-ne-ne SPIDERMAN! …its funny because my name is… (takes a deep breath and looks at the chair)

Hero (Voiceover)
Shall I try and pull the chair towards me? Why not, let’s have a go...

New Era

Back of the Bus is something which I always felt needed an original twist and that Timbo just confirmed it by drawing my attention towards those Hoody skits! I always imagined some sort of animation and thought that the visual possibilities were enough to make it exciting. Until we can get the visuals, Hiphop producer Hoax has helped me record a few of the skits and slapped a few beats in the background to bring them to life.

Link will be provided soon - unless someone wants to tell me how to put an audio track on here???

Back of the Bus II

Pregnancy is something which is taken far too lightly by some. None more so than the backseat-frequenting teenagers Lambshank and Screwboat.

Screwboat
Bruv my girls pregnant!

Lambshank
Is it? Rah, that’s deep man…

Screwboat
I know, I know. Its proper mad.

Lambshank
Yeah blud, proper mad decisions you gotta make. You need to like discuss shit with your girl and dat…

Screwboat
I know, I’m sayin… like what trainers should we get it and shit?! I don’t even know about yoots and dat…

Lambshank
You can get 120s in baby sizes thesedays blud. Jerome got some for his kid innit… but he might be pissed if you get them aswell.

Screwboat

Later! Fuck that brear. My kid would bang up Jerome’s kid from day!

Lambshank
Yeah I hear that! He’s gonna be aggy man. I’m gonna give him a shank at his christenin’ blud then he’ll be able to run tings at nursery and develop you get me.

Screwboat
Safe man safe. Ain’t easy bein’ a dad man. You gotta look after your seed innit…

Lambshank
I know I know…

Screwboat
How’s your kid?

Lambshank
What kid? …Oh shit!

(pause)

Fuck it. That was time ago.

Hobo sapians

This started out as an idea just to create comedy where it isn't obviously found, ie. homeless people. I wanted to create likeable characters who made fun of the preconceptions that the general public have around homeless people.

Today I came up with the name Hobo sapians which is obviously a reference to homo sapians, meaning human being or literally translated "wise man" or "knowing man". I think this is something I might take further. One idea I am toying with at the moment is a short film about an alien coming down to Earth expecting to be greeted as a welcome visitor but instead finding himself living on the streets... Anyway this is just a bit of dialogue between a young homeless couple living in Hammersmith.

Scene 1
A shop doorway

Darren
Mate, this is a joke. Lets go sit next to some bank machines. Apparently you make proper money by bank machines.

Dawn
You think these cunts are goin’a give us notes?!

Darren
We’re in the wrong spot. It’s all about the spot in this game. I knew one guy who found this spot in between KFC and McDonalds and right next to a cash machine. That, my friend, is the spot. See, KFC has these meals and they’re all one ninety nine, two ninety nine, three ninety nine or whatever. But they don’t have donation boxes! Other places you get your penny change and you just put it in a box. KFC you either leave it on the counter, which just seems like a cheeky tip, or you put it in your pocket even though you don’t want it. That’s why KFC has to come into the equation. If a homeless dude sits outside KFC he is guaranteed a penny from almost everyone who walks in. Or out. ‘Cos that’s when they have the penny.

Dawn
Listen to you. Piss off.

Darren
No seriously. Then you have McDonalds. Same deal really except that they have these stupidly priced meals where you get like thirty p change. Now you and I know that if even half of McDonalds customers give you thirty p when they’re done filling their faces then we are lookin’ at some serious cup filling. You will have to super-size your fuckin’ cup!

Dawn
They don’t do supersize anymore ‘cos of that film.

Darren
What film?

Dawn
That Supersize Me film.

Darren
When did you become a film buff?

Dawn
Fuck off- I can still fuckin’ read. When did you become an expert in fuckin’ home-less economics?

Darren
Homeless economics… that’s actually quite funny for you.

Dawn
Stop grinning you look like a drunk.

Darren
Anyway, I’m not finished. So you’ve got your greasy pennies from KFC and your McIncome from McDonalds’ stupidly priced meals THEN just to top it all off you have the ultimate. The cash machine guilt trip. It’s known all over the world, tried and tested.

Dawn
It’s fuckin’ obvious, that’s what it is. What’s also obvious is that no fucker is going to actually give you any money. You think they’re gonna get out an extra tenner to keep the fucked up guy sitting on the floor next to them happy?! No.

Darren
Ah, that my dear girl is where you are shortsighted. Of course the geezer never whips out a crispy tenner and hands it to you there and then. But he thinks about it! He does! He thinks about how good a person he would be if he gave just a tenner because, lets face it, he has enough that he can spare a tenner but ultimately he won’t. HOWEVER…

Dawn
Is this gonna go on much longer? I wanna get some breakfast…

Darren
However. If a few minutes, hours, maybe even days or months, if that same cashpoint geezer sees the same guy on the street and recognises him…

Dawn
People don’t recognise homeless people.

Darren
Of course they do, what are you talking about? We’re the most quirky lookin’ fuckers about!

Dawn
They see us out the corner of their eye. They do not recognise us.

Darren
They do! I remember when I was young we knew all the tramps around my area. It was joke, they all had nicknames… (pauses thoughtfully)

Dawn
What?

Darren
I wonder if we have nicknames…

Dawn
Probably. Yours would be “That-ugly-little-cunt-down-Ealing-Broadway”

Darren
Twat, yours’d be “Dirty Dawn… the reject from porn… looks like something the fuckin’ dog did on the lawn” you cunt.

Dawn
How’d they know my name you cat guzzling paedo?

Darren
Go chase a kid. You’re the most difficult fucker to explain anything to I swear. I’m telling you how to make a mint just by sitting on your arse and you’re talking a load of bollocks and tryin’ to confuse me.

Dawn
I’m bored. Lets go look through a fuckin’ bin or something. I heard if you look in bins outside Greggs you get hot meals. ‘Cos they’re so fuckin’ nasty every cunt throws ‘em away!

Darren
Ok- but let me explain this fuckin’ cashpoint thing.

Scene 2
The bin outside Greggs the Bakers.

Darren
So later on they have a coupla ten pees or whatever they feel like they’d be evil not to you know what I mean? It’s like, they’ve already denied you of a tenner so this little bit of change makes ‘em feel like they’re not a complete cunt.

Dawn
Told you! You fuckin cunt! Fuckin’ sausage roll! Fuckin sausage roll!

Darren
Alright love, don’t have a fuckin prolapse. Its only half a fuckin’ sausage roll.

Dawn
Piss off. Better than collecting pennies all day.

Darren
Piss off. Go whore yourself and get us something proper to eat will ya? Make yourself useful.

Dawn
Cock. You would probably make just as much as I could, you should get yourself down to Hampstead Heath. You said it yourself, its all about the spot.

Darren
We need some props or summin. There’s one geezer down near Picadilly, he’s got a dog that lies there with a dummy in it’s mouth. Get’s him loadsa money apparently…

Dawn
I could always give you some sort of injury.


Darren
I bet it’s a Trampskam.

Dawn
A what?

Darren
Trampskam. Like the geezer with the dog. I bet the dog's been dead for years. It's a Trampskam.

Dawn
Where the fuck did you hear that?

Darren
I just made it up. Catchy though innit? I might copywrite it.

Dawn
Fuck off you don’t know how to fuckin’ write let alone copywrite!

Darren
Yeah I do! You just send a letter with the thing you wanna copywrite to yourself and then don’t open it- then you have a date on it and it proves you thought of it first.

Dawn
I don’t think anyone’s gonna be fighting for the word Tramplie.

Darren
Trampskam.

Dawn
Whatever. Maybe I’ll copywrite Tramplie. This could be our way out.

Darren
I just realised we cant.

Dawn
Why? …Oh yeah…