Sam

Sam was sadistic,
Some thought him autistic,
Though that term gets thrown around too much nowadays,
A bit of a misfit,
He liked to dunk biscuits
And let them break off and disappear away
One day watching TV, he heard this weird thing
About using your urine on jellyfish stings
And this got him thinking about what would happen
If you pissed on a jellyfish – what would be it’s reaction?
Would they become impotent? Would it do them no harm?
Would their stings become things they just used like arms?
Maybe the effects would only last a minute?
Or maybe they’d melt into the sea like a biscuit?
Anyway, rest assured all you jellyfish reading,
These horrendous thoughts were equally fleeting,
Very soon his mind returned to other things,
Putting flies in the freezer, pulling off their wings
And attaching them to pieces of string
And walking them around like tiny dogs in his kitchen,
He’s probably forgotten the idea by now,
So I suppose we’ll probably never find out,
If Sam ever considers this experiment again,
I’ll make sure I’m there and I’ll let you know then.

The Duck

I once met a duck,
I was driving a barge,
He wouldn’t move over,
Started giving it large,
Saying things like
“you don’t even know you’re born”
I had to shout at him,
Barges don’t have horns,
It was a strange situation,
Quite hard to guage,
A talking duck
Suffering from canal rage,
So in the end
I just ran him down,
He floated up behind,
I think he’d drowned,
I felt a bit bad,
So at the end of my journey
I bought a book
on taxidermy,
I cut him open,
Took out his insides,
Put him on a nice stand,
And gave him glass eyes,
And now the duck
Sits on my mantelpiece,
With a couple of badgers
And a gaggle of geese
And a number of squirrels
And a fox and a cat
And a sheep and a dog,
I just realised that
I may have actually
Got a bit carried away,
But I ran them all down
So they were dead anyway,
If you want to blame someone
For these newly departed,
Blame that damn duck,
He’s how it all started.

Festive

Here is a little poem I wrote around Christmas time. It makes me sound like a bit of a Scrooge but I promise I'm not.



The warmth of the cold
Bringing
Everyone together
Except for the ones who don't get along
They
Need to be organised carefully
Clouds of coughing
The high streets filled with desperation
Eating more than is neccessary but less than is required
Groovy uncles come out of their shells
The masses retreat into alcoholism
Tired children
Grumpy
Sitting in front of the TV watching
Snow
White
A whole year of energy saving goes out of the window
And around a tree
A tangle of strangling contradictions
Jesus.

People Just Do Nothing - Studio Footage

We filmed a few scenes/ interviews to get a feel for the characters and to get used to being on camera. It's all new for us, none of us are actors, so none of us were sure how it would turn out. After seeing the footage I am really excited about it and I'm confident that we could film a full length episode. Obviously we'd need to have a few less swearwords but generally I think it has enormous potential.

Super Ordinary

This is a film by Ben Murray and Rory Matheson. I was asked to be involved with because I "fitted the part" (in other words it was generally felt that I would look hilarious in purple spandex and yellow pants). I did - the film was a success.

It was shot for the super8 competition so everything was done in one take with no editing.

London to Brighton

I sit on the train
with a pad
and a pen
and
a book of poems,
it must look like I'm
studying
because the guard walks past and says
"It's an exciting life isn't it?"
I think
he expects me to
respond
in the negative
with a similar sense of
sarcasm
but I agree!
It is
an exciting life.
I'm excited about where
I'm going
even if you're not.
Twat.
Don't
put a hole in my ticket
please,
I'll use that
again.

FELLA

A quiet pub. An elderly couple sit silently on a nearby table as FELLA, 33, who is sporty but slightly overweight, conversates with JEREMY, 21. JEREMY looks around awkwardly.

FELLA

So he goes up to his mum and he’s like, “Mum, why is my dick so much bigger than all the other kids at school? Is it cos I is black?”

JEREMY

Yeah...

FELLA

She goes “Nah, it’s cos your 26 and a retard now watch you don’t get spaghetti down your Arsenal shirt.”

JEREMY

That’s a good one.

FELLA

S’a true story.

JEREMY(sarcastically) Yeah alright!

FELLA

S’a fuckin’ true story! Mate of mine told me. (he pauses and looks confused) You tryna mug me off?

JEREMY(laughing)

No I just... it’s a good one...

FELLA

Good what? Fuck you laughin’ at?

JEREMY (suddenly scared and defensive)

I thought you just told a joke!

FELLA

I’ll fuckin’ knock you out.

JEREMY

Sorry.

FELLA

Nah I’m just fuckin’ about.

Enter DAVID, 22. He is young, slightly effeminate, good looking.

FELLA

Waaay! Here he is!

DAVID

You alright? Anyone need a drink?

FELLA

I’ll ‘ave a Carlin darlin.

JEREMY

No, I’m ok.

FELLA

He's ok. Fanny.

DAVID comes back from the bar with two drinks.

FELLA

That Sophie bird...

DAVID

What?

FELLA

She’s alright in’t she?

DAVID

She’s alright. I think she just looks good in comparison to the rest of the girls at work.

FELLA

Who?

DAVID

That Sophie girl.

FELLA

Oh yeah! Fit as mate.

DAVID

I dunno.

FELLA

Anyway, you know I shagged her?

DAVID

Nope. I thought she was married?

FELLA

Marriage is just for the kids. It’s like santa. We all know it’s bollocks.

DAVID

What do you mean “like santa”?

FELLA

Like, not real.

DAVID

He’s... not real?

FELLA

What?

DAVID

I’m jokin’.

FELLA

Are you muggin me off?

DAVID

I dunno.

FELLA

What? Anyway yeah, so I had her. S’alright. Another notch on the bedpost.

DAVID

I thought you slept on your ex’s sofa?

FELLA

Yeah.

DAVID

So you don’t have bed posts!

FELLA

Does your bed?

DAVID

Nah, mine...

FELLA

(interrupting) Well then... (he pauses thoughtfully)... even if there was you wouldn’t have many notches.

DAVID

What is a notch anyway?

FELLA

A shag.

DAVID

No, I mean like “a notch on the bedpost” - what is a notch on a bedpost?

FELLA

S’a shag you cunt.

DAVID

No, I get it - it’s a metaphorical reflection of the accumulation of shags- I get that but what is an actual physical notch on a bedpost? Like, what would that look like? Where did that figure of speech come from?

FELLA

Do you want a glass in the face? The point is I got more notches on my bedpost than both of you lot put together.

JEREMY (thoughtfully)

My bed has posts.

DAVID

Does it have notches?

JEREMY

I’m not sure.