21 September 2009

Super Ordinary

This is a film by Ben Murray and Rory Matheson. I was asked to be involved with because I "fitted the part" (in other words it was generally felt that I would look hilarious in purple spandex and yellow pants). I did - the film was a success.

It was shot for the super8 competition so everything was done in one take with no editing.

The Art of Being Lost

I did a travel blog describing my journey through China, Thailand, Fiji, Peru, Bolivia and various other wonderful places which you can find here. You can see my drawings if you click on Photos.

http://www.blogabond.com/TripView.aspx?tripID=6097

I wrote everything in internet cafes so excuse the spelling mistakes.

8 September 2009

London to Brighton

I sit on the train
with a pad
and a pen
and
a book of poems,
it must look like I'm
studying
because the guard walks past and says
"It's an exciting life isn't it?"
I think
he expects me to
respond
in the negative
with a similar sense of
sarcasm
but I agree!
It is
an exciting life.
I'm excited about where
I'm going
even if you're not.
Twat.
Don't
put a hole in my ticket
please,
I'll use that
again.

5 January 2009

FELLA

A quiet pub. An elderly couple sit silently on a nearby table as FELLA, 33, who is sporty but slightly overweight, conversates with JEREMY, 21. JEREMY looks around awkwardly.

FELLA
So he goes up to his mum and he’s like, “Mum, why is my dick so much bigger than all the other kids at school? Is it cos I is black?”
JEREMY
Yeah...
FELLA
She goes “Nah, it’s cos your 26 and a retard now watch you don’t get spaghetti down your Arsenal shirt.”
JEREMY
That’s a good one.
FELLA
S’a true story.
JEREMY(sarcastically) Yeah alright!
FELLA
S’a fuckin’ true story! Mate of mine told me. (he pauses and looks confused) You tryna mug me off?
JEREMY(laughing)
No I just... it’s a good one...
FELLA
Good what? Fuck you laughin’ at?
JEREMY (suddenly scared and defensive)
I thought you just told a joke!
FELLA
I’ll fuckin’ knock you out.
JEREMY
Sorry.
FELLA
Nah I’m just fuckin’ about.
Enter DAVID, 22. He is young, slightly effeminate, good looking.
FELLA
Waaay! Here he is!
DAVID
You alright? Anyone need a drink?
FELLA
I’ll ‘ave a Carlin darlin.
JEREMY
No, I’m ok.
FELLA
He's ok. Fanny.
DAVID comes back from the bar with two drinks.
FELLA
That Sophie bird...
DAVID
What?
FELLA
She’s alright in’t she?
DAVID
She’s alright. I think she just looks good in comparison to the rest of the girls at work.
FELLA
Who?
DAVID
That Sophie girl.
FELLA
Oh yeah! Fit as mate.
DAVID
I dunno.
FELLA
Anyway, you know I shagged her?
DAVID
Nope. I thought she was married?
FELLA
Marriage is just for the kids. It’s like santa. We all know it’s bollocks.
DAVID
What do you mean “like santa”?
FELLA
Like, not real.
DAVID
He’s... not real?
FELLA
What?
DAVID
I’m jokin’.
FELLA
Are you muggin me off?
DAVID
I dunno.
FELLA
What? Anyway yeah, so I had her. S’alright. Another notch on the bedpost.
DAVID
I thought you slept on your ex’s sofa?
FELLA
Yeah.
DAVID
So you don’t have bed posts!
FELLA
Does your bed?
DAVID
Nah, mine...
FELLA
(interrupting) Well then... (he pauses thoughtfully)... even if there was you wouldn’t have many notches.
DAVID
What is a notch anyway?
FELLA
A shag.
DAVID
No, I mean like “a notch on the bedpost” - what is a notch on a bedpost?
FELLA
S’a shag you cunt.
DAVID
No, I get it - it’s a metaphorical reflection of the accumulation of shags- I get that but what is an actual physical notch on a bedpost? Like, what would that look like? Where did that figure of speech come from?
FELLA
Do you want a glass in the face? The point is I got more notches on my bedpost than both of you lot put together.
JEREMY (thoughtfully)
My bed has posts.
DAVID
Does it have notches?
JEREMY
I’m not sure.