A quiet pub. An elderly couple sit silently on a nearby table as FELLA, 33, who is sporty but slightly overweight, conversates with JEREMY, 21. JEREMY looks around awkwardly.
FELLA
So he goes up to his mum and he’s like, “Mum, why is my dick so much bigger than all the other kids at school? Is it cos I is black?”
JEREMY
Yeah...
FELLA
She goes “Nah, it’s cos your 26 and a retard now watch you don’t get spaghetti down your Arsenal shirt.”
JEREMY
That’s a good one.
FELLA
S’a true story.
JEREMY(sarcastically) Yeah alright!
FELLA
S’a fuckin’ true story! Mate of mine told me. (he pauses and looks confused) You tryna mug me off?
JEREMY(laughing)
No I just... it’s a good one...
FELLA
Good what? Fuck you laughin’ at?
JEREMY (suddenly scared and defensive)
I thought you just told a joke!
FELLA
I’ll fuckin’ knock you out.
JEREMY
Sorry.
FELLA
Nah I’m just fuckin’ about.
Enter DAVID, 22. He is young, slightly effeminate, good looking.
FELLA
Waaay! Here he is!
DAVID
You alright? Anyone need a drink?
FELLA
I’ll ‘ave a Carlin darlin.
JEREMY
No, I’m ok.
FELLA
He's ok. Fanny.
DAVID comes back from the bar with two drinks.
FELLA
That Sophie bird...
DAVID
What?
FELLA
She’s alright in’t she?
DAVID
She’s alright. I think she just looks good in comparison to the rest of the girls at work.
FELLA
Who?
DAVID
That Sophie girl.
FELLA
Oh yeah! Fit as mate.
DAVID
I dunno.
FELLA
Anyway, you know I shagged her?
DAVID
Nope. I thought she was married?
FELLA
Marriage is just for the kids. It’s like santa. We all know it’s bollocks.
DAVID
What do you mean “like santa”?
FELLA
Like, not real.
DAVID
He’s... not real?
FELLA
What?
DAVID
I’m jokin’.
FELLA
Are you muggin me off?
DAVID
I dunno.
FELLA
What? Anyway yeah, so I had her. S’alright. Another notch on the bedpost.
DAVID
I thought you slept on your ex’s sofa?
FELLA
Yeah.
DAVID
So you don’t have bed posts!
FELLA
Does your bed?
DAVID
Nah, mine...
FELLA
(interrupting) Well then... (he pauses thoughtfully)... even if there was you wouldn’t have many notches.
DAVID
What is a notch anyway?
FELLA
A shag.
DAVID
No, I mean like “a notch on the bedpost” - what is a notch on a bedpost?
FELLA
S’a shag you cunt.
DAVID
No, I get it - it’s a metaphorical reflection of the accumulation of shags- I get that but what is an actual physical notch on a bedpost? Like, what would that look like? Where did that figure of speech come from?
FELLA
Do you want a glass in the face? The point is I got more notches on my bedpost than both of you lot put together.
JEREMY (thoughtfully)
My bed has posts.
DAVID
Does it have notches?
JEREMY
I’m not sure.
2 comments:
hahaha this is funny man. i really like your writing.
thanks for your comment man, it means a lot.
yeah i'd like to meet up next week, i'm going out up london on saturday with a couple of mates, your welcome to come, it'd be good to go out for a drinks with you, it's been so long since we got pissy to together.
hey,thanks for your comment, you wrote the story right? kind of weird to be involved with the project and have not even talked to you haha. nice 'meeting' you!
its good to hear your opinion... you are absolutely right about the gesture.i guess i thought of the wineo later in the story, clean shaven, performing card tricks.. i just should have left out the beer bottle haha.
i like what your saying about the shading.. ill try some more extreme shading.. to give it a dark feeling.
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