Back of the Bus IV - The Mixtape

Screwboat
So whats the mixtape sayin? We got a name yet?

Lambshank
I got a deep name for it. The Lambshank Redemption.

Screwboat
That’s your name though man. Fuck that. Why can’t it be Screwboat Remention?

Lambshank
Re-dem-tion blood. Like the film innit. Its like a play on words.

Screwboat
I ain’t feelin’ PLAYS blood!

Lambshank
It aint a play it’s a film innit. Moran Freeman bruv you get me.

Screwboat
Lambshank Redemption… Nah man fuck that. I like the old name.

Lambshank
What ‘Garage Crew Party Vibes’? Nah man we’re more gutter than that man fuck that name man.

Screwboat
Nah, I meant the guts name.

Lambshank
Oh you mean ‘Oi Bruv Have You Got the Time on Your Phone vol 1.’… Yeah that’s alright… we need to speak to Rago Murkage 3000 and the rest of the Unit though.

Screwboat
Yeah. It needs to stand out straight away. The name needs to be so murky that you don’t even buy the record it just jacks your money.

Lambshank
Yeah blood… and gives it to us…

Screwboat
You get me…

Back of the Bus III

LAMBSHANK
Come we link a bens.

SCREWBOAT
I ain’t got any funds bruv.

LAMBSHANK
I beg you shank your nan and take a tenner out of her purse.

SCREWBOAT
Fuck that. That’s your answer to everything man.

LAMBSHANK
Nah it aint.

SCREWBOAT
Yeah it is. No money for McDonalds, Screwboat I beg you shank your nan… No money for cinema, Screwboat I beg you shank your nan. I ain’t shankin her anymore. She’s shook to answer the door, I have to pretend I’m selling windows and shit. Why don’t YOU you shank YOUR nan?

LAMBSHANK
I shanked my nan so you could pay bus fare blud!

SCREWBOAT
Nah you didn’t. I would never pay bus fare. Man a shank a bus driver for tryna make me pay bus fare. I’m still getting on for free when I’m a grandad bruv watch. I’ll still say I’m child fare you get me!

LAMBSHANK
You get a grandad pass when you’re a grandad.

SCREWBOAT
Shut up.

LAMBSHANK
Anyway, I’ve shanked my nan bare times for you. You’re a dickhead.

SCREWBOAT
(after a long pause) What else can we shank?

LAMBSHANK
I dunno... Anything...

SCREWBOAT
Yeah... The other day I shanked the microphone while I was spittin’ cos I got so aggy!

LAMBSHANK
Yeah I did that a few times still… still… We could shank each others nans?

SCREWBOAT
Yeah blud! Aite let's do it!

LAMBSHANK
(pauses) What is shank?

Heros Interview part 1

This was inspired by my traumatic attempts to get a job after university. I had never had any interviews and, although obviously not a factual account of my experiences, a lot of these scenes were genuine fears that I had. After my second miserable interview I went home and wrote this to make me feel better. I ended up getting the job and I haven't wet the bed since. I think it needs a lot of work but could potentially be a decent short film.

Scene One- Bed Monologue
A young man, Hero, is struggling to drag himself out of bed. On the chair next to his bed lies a suit with a shirt and tie neatly placed on top. Hero stares at this thoughtfully.

Hero (Voiceover)
I can’t let that dream be a bad omen. I bet lots of people have dreams like that before a big interview. Yeah it makes perfect sense, the teeth falling out part is common enough, it means you’re worried about how your appearance or something… I wonder what wetting yourself in the Job Centre means… I wonder what wetting the bed means… Oh well, four hours sleep is fine. I bet loads of people survive on four hours of sleep a night. Like soldiers and people who live next to students.

Hero puts on the clothes slowly and awkwardly.

Hero
This shirt is huge but it looks alright with the jacket. Ok, that’s that. Suited and booted. Ok. Looks, ten out of ten as long as I keep the jacket on. Comfort… three at best. Fuck it, that’s fine. That’s what working life is all about, suffering in silence, braving the misery of day to day life… How do people wear this every day? Oh god. It’s like a needy little silk python wrapped around my neck. Maybe I will do a Masters after all. I wonder if this is the only reason people do Masters? Just to be a student for one more year. This is all getting too much. I haven’t even had an interview yet and my job is eating away at me! I’m definitely going to have a panic attack in the interview. I can see it now. Collapsing onto the floor… I’ll probably wet myself again. Oh god. Relax. Ten out of ten for looks. Oh, maybe nine. Need a shave.

Scene 2- Bathroom Monologue
Hero stares at himself in the mirror. His face is covered with shaving foam and he stands with the razor poised as though he is not unsure where to begin.

Hero (Voiceover)
Maybe I should grow a moustache so they will take me more seriously. People with moustaches always get taken seriously... Apart from Gary Neville. And to be fair, that is the kind of wispy nose tickler that I would be looking at. No I’ll go for fresh-faced, young, eager and ready to learn. I hope they don’t ask me anything too difficult. I feel so sick I think I will probably vomit on myself. I wonder if they will still give me a job if I vomit on myself. Probably not. I’ll have to swallow it or catch it. Maybe I’ll take a little bag or a cup or something... SHIT! I’ve cut my lip! Who cuts their LIP shaving?! My lip! This is a nightmare, ok just carry on and finish shaving. Make sure there’s no more cuts. Shit, I’m bleeding into my mouth! They’re going to think I’m some sort of horrific vampire man. Vampires don’t count under equal opportunities I suppose. They will be worried about all the documents being covered in blood…

Scene 3 – Dining Table
Hero sits eating his Weetabix which he eats with difficulty, trying to negotiate with the plaster that hangs bloody from his top lip.

Hero
Why is everyone texting me good luck? How do they even know I have an interview? Now there’s more pressure! God. I have put way too much deodorant on. It feels like I’ve got some sort of powdery white jam under my armpits. Fuck. What am I going to do!? I have to leave in 2 minutes and my lip is still bleeding everywhere! Tissue… It’s not stopping… Ok, I’ll wear a plaster just until I get there. Surely it will have stopped by then. Now, how do you put a plaster on your lip when it’s lip is pissing blood. I suppose stick one end to the top… and tuck the other one… into your mouth… under… your lip…. Well that feels strange but at least it will stop people from seeing the blood. Fuck, no time. Ok, quick bit of toast. This is horrible. I’m sweating already and I haven’t even left the house yet. God. Its like wallpaper paste under my arms. I hope they don’t stuck down... maybe I'll scrape them before I go...

Heros Interview part 2

Scene 4 - Local Shop
Hero speaks to an elderly shopkeeper who is clearly having difficulty understanding what he is saying

Hero
… Just kind of a formal smell… you know, not too minty but nothing wacky like strawberry or anything. I need to smell like I have good personal hygiene and like I’m mature... I need to smell mature. Do you know what I mean?

Shopkeeper
No sir.

Hero
Ok, let me… so you understand. I’m going to an interview. I need my breath to smell nice but not too nice. I don’t want them to notice it. I want it to be just… air. Not noticeable. If it’s too minty, I’ve made too much of an effort. If it’s…

Shopkeeper
We have spearmint. This is a milder mint flavour.

Hero
How mild?

Shopkeeper
I… I don’t know.

Hero
Ok, I’ll take three packets. No just one. Two. One. I only need one. I need a drink aswell… (he studies the fridge carefully)

Hero (voiceover)
God. So many decisions. What looks sensible. Water is sensible. Bottled water. But is that bad for the environment? Organic apple juice..? Does it look weird if I have a carton of juice in my interview? I would have to make sure I didn’t finish it there ‘cos of that noise your straw makes when it runs out. That would definitely put them off. Maybe they would think I was very laid back. No, I’d look like a child. I need something grown up. Something serious. Water is serious. Water from Scotland. Perfect.

Hero
One water from Scotland aswell.

Shopkeeper
Ninety five please.

The shop keeper takes the money and hands Hero some change which he immediately puts into the charity box on the counter, smiling at the Shopkeeper as he does so.

Hero (voiceover)
I’m a good person. If I don’t get this job then karma obviously doesn’t exist. I wish they could have seen me do that. Maybe I’ll tell them in the interview.

Scene 5 - Reception Area
Hero approaches a bright reception desk looking dishevelled and anxious.

Hero
Hello I’m here for an interview with Miss Kocha-lo-popa-how you say it?

Kucholopodopodus
(from behind) It’s Mrs… Kucholopodopodus…

Hero
Oh, sorry yeah. No I wrote it down but I got blood on…

Kucholopodopodus
You must be Hero?

Hero
YUP! Yeah, I mean yes. That is me. Hero. Everyone should have a Hero in their team!

Kucholopodopodus

You have a bit of plaster…

Hero (Voiceover)
Shit, shit I forgot the fucking plaster!

Hero
Oh thank you. Yeah… I cut myself shaving… on my lip. Had to be today of all days.

Kucholopodopodus
Indeed. Follow me please Stephen.

Hero
YUP! Yes. Certainly.

Hero (Voiceover)
FUCK FUCK SHE SAW THE PLASTER SHE IS GONNA THINK IM A COMPLETE SPASTIC! AND WHY HAVE I STARTED SAYING YUP!? I HAVE NEVER SAID YUP IN MY ENTIRE LIFE AND ALREADY I’VE SAID IT TWICE!

Hero and Kucholopodopodus enter a small room with three very smart men who look at Hero sceptically.

Kucholopodopodus (finishing her question)
…here today?

Hero
Sorry? Yes I am here today…

Kucholopodopodus
I asked how it was that you got here today?

Hero
Oh I walked. I live just down there. Kind of down there and left and up the hill bit. But yeah just there basically yeah…

Kucholopodopodus
Have you lived here long?

Hero
Oh just a few months. I just finished uni so I moved back with my parents and now I’m trying to get away from them (laughs awkwardly) No I’m not. I am sortof.

Kucholopodopodus
Ok. This is William Phenis and Joanna McDermot. William is the manag….

Hero (Voiceover)
WILLIAM PENIS! HIS NAME IS WILLIAM PENIS! WILLY! WILLY PENIS! This is TOO funny I cant wait… oh god they’ve asked me something…

Hero
Yes, it is nice to meet you all… Im sorry what was the question? (drinks water)

Phenis
I am aware my name is particularly amusing…

Hero (Voiceover)
(choking, coughing) Oh my god he can read my thoughts! He knows everything I’m thinking!

Hero
No no I wasn’t thinking about that. My name’s pretty stupid aswell. Not that your name is stupid but… Hero! Who calls their son that? At least your mum didn’t really have a choice. Apart from the Willy bit. William! …bit…

Phenis
What Mrs Kucholopodopodus was saying is that this job requires a great deal of organisation and careful presentation…

Hero (Voiceover)
Oh god, she’s talking about the plaster... FUCK! NOW HE KNOWS!

Phenis (who has been speaking)
…suited to the role?

Hero
(in an automated manner)Yes, I think I am very much suited for the role as I am both hard-working and organised. I have good time management skills and I am very good at using computers.

Hero (Voiceover)
OH YEAH! Nailed that one… But what’s the point if he he knows I came here with a plaster in my mouth?! This is all just formality. They all know I have already blown it. I’m sure he was looking at my lip just then. I can still taste the plaster… Oh god I’m making it worse, he can hear me. Need to stop thinking. I am SO HOT! I can feel the sweat on my forehead. Even if I had planned to take off my jacket and reveal my horrible baggy shirt I definitely couldn’t do it now… My BACK is sweaty! I never get a sweaty back! And as for my armpits… Id be surprised if the sweat rings didn’t meet in the middle. Very surprised. At least it’s watered down the jammy pits…

Phenis
Have you any experience working in an office environment?

Hero
Yes, I have worked with other people who are also doing work at a row of computers in the library. Is that similar? I don’t really know… I suppose some of them weren’t working, they were probably on facebook! But theres probably a few on facebook in most offices isn’t there? (laughing crazily) No I wouldn’t go on it. But I know people that would. I would tell them not to. Facebook is rubbish anyway. Sorry. No I suppose I haven’t. Worked in an office that is.

Kucholopodopodus
Are you familiar with any computer programs?

Hero (Voiceover)
Well I am an accomplished downloader of illegal music and pornography…

Hero
No not really. I mean, yes. Word and Excel and that. Erm… Powerpoint. Yeah… that’s the main ones I have used. I did a GCSE in I.T. aswell.

Hero (Voiceover)
Not that I remember any fucking thing about it. I don’t even remember what I wrote my dissertation on and that was 2 months ago.

Kucholopodopodus
What kinds of things did you do on Excel for example?

Hero
Oh, number stuff. I think we added up the boxes and… made… totals…

Hero (Voiceover)
I wonder if I could bribe them, maybe if I give them something they will think I’m a nice guy and will want to work with me. Haven’t got any money though… Aha… perfect.

Hero
Does anyone want a chewing gum?

Phenis
No, thank you Hero. We don’t usually chew gum in this office.

Hero
(chewing already but quickly spitting it out again) No, me neither. Just needed a little taste. Little hit. (awkward silence) I’m not addicted to it or anything… just… dry mouth. Have you got a bin? I have a…

Hero (Voiceover)
Bollocks. I’ve spat it onto my sleeve. I can’t let them see this. I’m going to have to take off the jacket and fold it so the chewing gum is invisible then mime the process of going to the bin and discarding it…

Kucholopodopodus
Yes there’s one just here.

Hero peels the jacket off his back and reveals a sweat drenched shirt. He walks to the bin and stands with his back to the three interviewers as he bends down mimicking putting something in the bin. Then he smiles politely as he walks back to his seat.

Kucholopodopodus
Are you sure you got it?

Hero
Oh yeah, threw it straight in. Yep. Sitting in the bin there. Definitely did that really.

Kucholopodopodus
I think you might still have a bit…

Hero (Voiceover)
Oh. God. What is that white line from my chair to my… sleeve… I’m attached to my chair! The chewing gum…..IS CONNECTING ME TO THE CHAIR FIVE FEET AWAY FROM ME! Oh GOD! Is this really happening?! Make them laugh! Quickly!

Hero
Wow look... De-ne-ne-ne-ne-ne-ne-ne SPIDERMAN! …its funny because my name is… (takes a deep breath and looks at the chair)

Hero (Voiceover)
Shall I try and pull the chair towards me? Why not, let’s have a go...