Heros Interview part 2

Scene 4 - Local Shop
Hero speaks to an elderly shopkeeper who is clearly having difficulty understanding what he is saying

Hero
… Just kind of a formal smell… you know, not too minty but nothing wacky like strawberry or anything. I need to smell like I have good personal hygiene and like I’m mature... I need to smell mature. Do you know what I mean?

Shopkeeper
No sir.

Hero
Ok, let me… so you understand. I’m going to an interview. I need my breath to smell nice but not too nice. I don’t want them to notice it. I want it to be just… air. Not noticeable. If it’s too minty, I’ve made too much of an effort. If it’s…

Shopkeeper
We have spearmint. This is a milder mint flavour.

Hero
How mild?

Shopkeeper
I… I don’t know.

Hero
Ok, I’ll take three packets. No just one. Two. One. I only need one. I need a drink aswell… (he studies the fridge carefully)

Hero (voiceover)
God. So many decisions. What looks sensible. Water is sensible. Bottled water. But is that bad for the environment? Organic apple juice..? Does it look weird if I have a carton of juice in my interview? I would have to make sure I didn’t finish it there ‘cos of that noise your straw makes when it runs out. That would definitely put them off. Maybe they would think I was very laid back. No, I’d look like a child. I need something grown up. Something serious. Water is serious. Water from Scotland. Perfect.

Hero
One water from Scotland aswell.

Shopkeeper
Ninety five please.

The shop keeper takes the money and hands Hero some change which he immediately puts into the charity box on the counter, smiling at the Shopkeeper as he does so.

Hero (voiceover)
I’m a good person. If I don’t get this job then karma obviously doesn’t exist. I wish they could have seen me do that. Maybe I’ll tell them in the interview.

Scene 5 - Reception Area
Hero approaches a bright reception desk looking dishevelled and anxious.

Hero
Hello I’m here for an interview with Miss Kocha-lo-popa-how you say it?

Kucholopodopodus
(from behind) It’s Mrs… Kucholopodopodus…

Hero
Oh, sorry yeah. No I wrote it down but I got blood on…

Kucholopodopodus
You must be Hero?

Hero
YUP! Yeah, I mean yes. That is me. Hero. Everyone should have a Hero in their team!

Kucholopodopodus

You have a bit of plaster…

Hero (Voiceover)
Shit, shit I forgot the fucking plaster!

Hero
Oh thank you. Yeah… I cut myself shaving… on my lip. Had to be today of all days.

Kucholopodopodus
Indeed. Follow me please Stephen.

Hero
YUP! Yes. Certainly.

Hero (Voiceover)
FUCK FUCK SHE SAW THE PLASTER SHE IS GONNA THINK IM A COMPLETE SPASTIC! AND WHY HAVE I STARTED SAYING YUP!? I HAVE NEVER SAID YUP IN MY ENTIRE LIFE AND ALREADY I’VE SAID IT TWICE!

Hero and Kucholopodopodus enter a small room with three very smart men who look at Hero sceptically.

Kucholopodopodus (finishing her question)
…here today?

Hero
Sorry? Yes I am here today…

Kucholopodopodus
I asked how it was that you got here today?

Hero
Oh I walked. I live just down there. Kind of down there and left and up the hill bit. But yeah just there basically yeah…

Kucholopodopodus
Have you lived here long?

Hero
Oh just a few months. I just finished uni so I moved back with my parents and now I’m trying to get away from them (laughs awkwardly) No I’m not. I am sortof.

Kucholopodopodus
Ok. This is William Phenis and Joanna McDermot. William is the manag….

Hero (Voiceover)
WILLIAM PENIS! HIS NAME IS WILLIAM PENIS! WILLY! WILLY PENIS! This is TOO funny I cant wait… oh god they’ve asked me something…

Hero
Yes, it is nice to meet you all… Im sorry what was the question? (drinks water)

Phenis
I am aware my name is particularly amusing…

Hero (Voiceover)
(choking, coughing) Oh my god he can read my thoughts! He knows everything I’m thinking!

Hero
No no I wasn’t thinking about that. My name’s pretty stupid aswell. Not that your name is stupid but… Hero! Who calls their son that? At least your mum didn’t really have a choice. Apart from the Willy bit. William! …bit…

Phenis
What Mrs Kucholopodopodus was saying is that this job requires a great deal of organisation and careful presentation…

Hero (Voiceover)
Oh god, she’s talking about the plaster... FUCK! NOW HE KNOWS!

Phenis (who has been speaking)
…suited to the role?

Hero
(in an automated manner)Yes, I think I am very much suited for the role as I am both hard-working and organised. I have good time management skills and I am very good at using computers.

Hero (Voiceover)
OH YEAH! Nailed that one… But what’s the point if he he knows I came here with a plaster in my mouth?! This is all just formality. They all know I have already blown it. I’m sure he was looking at my lip just then. I can still taste the plaster… Oh god I’m making it worse, he can hear me. Need to stop thinking. I am SO HOT! I can feel the sweat on my forehead. Even if I had planned to take off my jacket and reveal my horrible baggy shirt I definitely couldn’t do it now… My BACK is sweaty! I never get a sweaty back! And as for my armpits… Id be surprised if the sweat rings didn’t meet in the middle. Very surprised. At least it’s watered down the jammy pits…

Phenis
Have you any experience working in an office environment?

Hero
Yes, I have worked with other people who are also doing work at a row of computers in the library. Is that similar? I don’t really know… I suppose some of them weren’t working, they were probably on facebook! But theres probably a few on facebook in most offices isn’t there? (laughing crazily) No I wouldn’t go on it. But I know people that would. I would tell them not to. Facebook is rubbish anyway. Sorry. No I suppose I haven’t. Worked in an office that is.

Kucholopodopodus
Are you familiar with any computer programs?

Hero (Voiceover)
Well I am an accomplished downloader of illegal music and pornography…

Hero
No not really. I mean, yes. Word and Excel and that. Erm… Powerpoint. Yeah… that’s the main ones I have used. I did a GCSE in I.T. aswell.

Hero (Voiceover)
Not that I remember any fucking thing about it. I don’t even remember what I wrote my dissertation on and that was 2 months ago.

Kucholopodopodus
What kinds of things did you do on Excel for example?

Hero
Oh, number stuff. I think we added up the boxes and… made… totals…

Hero (Voiceover)
I wonder if I could bribe them, maybe if I give them something they will think I’m a nice guy and will want to work with me. Haven’t got any money though… Aha… perfect.

Hero
Does anyone want a chewing gum?

Phenis
No, thank you Hero. We don’t usually chew gum in this office.

Hero
(chewing already but quickly spitting it out again) No, me neither. Just needed a little taste. Little hit. (awkward silence) I’m not addicted to it or anything… just… dry mouth. Have you got a bin? I have a…

Hero (Voiceover)
Bollocks. I’ve spat it onto my sleeve. I can’t let them see this. I’m going to have to take off the jacket and fold it so the chewing gum is invisible then mime the process of going to the bin and discarding it…

Kucholopodopodus
Yes there’s one just here.

Hero peels the jacket off his back and reveals a sweat drenched shirt. He walks to the bin and stands with his back to the three interviewers as he bends down mimicking putting something in the bin. Then he smiles politely as he walks back to his seat.

Kucholopodopodus
Are you sure you got it?

Hero
Oh yeah, threw it straight in. Yep. Sitting in the bin there. Definitely did that really.

Kucholopodopodus
I think you might still have a bit…

Hero (Voiceover)
Oh. God. What is that white line from my chair to my… sleeve… I’m attached to my chair! The chewing gum…..IS CONNECTING ME TO THE CHAIR FIVE FEET AWAY FROM ME! Oh GOD! Is this really happening?! Make them laugh! Quickly!

Hero
Wow look... De-ne-ne-ne-ne-ne-ne-ne SPIDERMAN! …its funny because my name is… (takes a deep breath and looks at the chair)

Hero (Voiceover)
Shall I try and pull the chair towards me? Why not, let’s have a go...