Shit happens

This is based on characters that you would see in the park before school. Garian is actually a real person; on a school trip he once crushed a raw egg in his hand because a teacher told him he wouldn't be able to. I think Garian is more of an inspiration than he will ever know.

A Park. Four schoolchildren huddle round in a circle, from the centre of which grey smoke puffs out at regular intervals.

Greg
I need a shit

James
Yeah I always get that man. Zoots makes you need to shit, it’s a laxative I think.

Greg
So’s coffee. And all I’ve had for breakfast is coffee and spliffs so it’s not looking good for my insides.

James
(laughs) Yeah man.

A tall dark-skinned boy appears, he is partly in school uniform but the clothes are too small and have the effect of making him look overgrown. He is wearing his hood up and looks agitated. The two silent boys walk away slowly in the opposite direction as he approaches. James looks up and nods to him uneasily. Greg looks down at his feet uneasily.

James
Yes Garian. What’s up man?

Garian
Blood, what’s dat your smokin’?

James
Safe Garian, it’s a spliff.

Garian
Yeah yeah yeah pass dat pass dat.

He takes the spliff and smokes it quickly, as though in a rush, taking three or four pulls at a time before blowing out clouds of smoke at the boys.

Garian
What is it cool if I finish this ting? There’s only a couple bun left.

James
Yeah man fuck it. (attempting to be jovial) It’s just making us need to shit anyway!

Garian
What?

James
(awkwardly) Nah we were saying that it’s… like a laxative… like coffee…

Garian
You lot chat shit man. Who are you blud?

James
I’m James… blud. Yeah man, I’m in your Graphics class. With that prick Mr John.

Garian
Yeah blood yeah blood. What have you got a pound?

James
Nah man, nah.
Garian
What about you bredrin?

Greg
(clearing his throat) No I… left my money…

Garian
Don’t chat shit. Come on man I know you got a pound man.

Greg
Nah I don’t. I have a packed lunch.

Garian
Packed lunch ya nah! Joker. What, so if I was to make you jump, I wouldn’t hear any money in your pockets?

Greg
You…might hear my keys…

Garian
Later I bet you got bare p.

Garian goes to pat Gregs pockets but Greg steps back.

Greg
Allow it Garian.

Garian
What you mean allow it? You don’t know me.Who you movin’ away from?

Greg (lookin at James)
Fuck man…

James
What?

Greg
I think I just shit myself…

He reaches down the back of his trousers and when he pulls his hand out it’s covered with poo. At first he seems shocked and embarrassed but quickly his whole demeanour shifts and suddenly he stands tall, taking a step towards Garian and pointing his fingers at Garian as if it were a gun. James smiles and looks at Garian.

James
Oh shit! That is fucked…

Greg
Now what the fuck did you want big man?

Garian
(not backing down but evidently fazed) What are you gonna do with that blood? I got machines blood you don’t wanna fuck about.

Greg
(snatching the spliff off him with his clean hand) Give me that shit man. And go fuckin’ beg for money somewhere else you fuckin’ little cunt.

Garian
Nah blood, you’re fuckin wrong blood. Fuckin’ shittin’on yourself…

Greg
(coming at him with his hand outstretched) Get the fuck out my face before I give you a slap that you won’t forget.

Garian
(turning to James) What blood? You fink this is joke? What have you got for me?

James
(after pausing for a while with a strained expression) The same thing man.

He reaches back and reveals his hand is also covered with shit. He is laughing wildly.

Garian
Don’t try boy me, you know I’ll see you brears in school…

James
Oh shit… I can’t believe we just did that. That's pretty fuckin' mad.

Greg
I know, he’s such a fuckin’ donut. As If I’d actually shit myself (he pulls out a messy snickers bar from his back pocket and laughs)

James
(his expression changes suddenly) Yeah... See you later.