New Era

Back of the Bus is something which I always felt needed an original twist and that Timbo just confirmed it by drawing my attention towards those Hoody skits! I always imagined some sort of animation and thought that the visual possibilities were enough to make it exciting. Until we can get the visuals, Hiphop producer Hoax has helped me record a few of the skits and slapped a few beats in the background to bring them to life.

Link will be provided soon - unless someone wants to tell me how to put an audio track on here???

Back of the Bus II

Pregnancy is something which is taken far too lightly by some. None more so than the backseat-frequenting teenagers Lambshank and Screwboat.

Screwboat
Bruv my girls pregnant!

Lambshank
Is it? Rah, that’s deep man…

Screwboat
I know, I know. Its proper mad.

Lambshank
Yeah blud, proper mad decisions you gotta make. You need to like discuss shit with your girl and dat…

Screwboat
I know, I’m sayin… like what trainers should we get it and shit?! I don’t even know about yoots and dat…

Lambshank
You can get 120s in baby sizes thesedays blud. Jerome got some for his kid innit… but he might be pissed if you get them aswell.

Screwboat

Later! Fuck that brear. My kid would bang up Jerome’s kid from day!

Lambshank
Yeah I hear that! He’s gonna be aggy man. I’m gonna give him a shank at his christenin’ blud then he’ll be able to run tings at nursery and develop you get me.

Screwboat
Safe man safe. Ain’t easy bein’ a dad man. You gotta look after your seed innit…

Lambshank
I know I know…

Screwboat
How’s your kid?

Lambshank
What kid? …Oh shit!

(pause)

Fuck it. That was time ago.

Hobo sapians

This started out as an idea just to create comedy where it isn't obviously found, ie. homeless people. I wanted to create likeable characters who made fun of the preconceptions that the general public have around homeless people.

Today I came up with the name Hobo sapians which is obviously a reference to homo sapians, meaning human being or literally translated "wise man" or "knowing man". I think this is something I might take further. One idea I am toying with at the moment is a short film about an alien coming down to Earth expecting to be greeted as a welcome visitor but instead finding himself living on the streets... Anyway this is just a bit of dialogue between a young homeless couple living in Hammersmith.

Scene 1
A shop doorway

Darren
Mate, this is a joke. Lets go sit next to some bank machines. Apparently you make proper money by bank machines.

Dawn
You think these cunts are goin’a give us notes?!

Darren
We’re in the wrong spot. It’s all about the spot in this game. I knew one guy who found this spot in between KFC and McDonalds and right next to a cash machine. That, my friend, is the spot. See, KFC has these meals and they’re all one ninety nine, two ninety nine, three ninety nine or whatever. But they don’t have donation boxes! Other places you get your penny change and you just put it in a box. KFC you either leave it on the counter, which just seems like a cheeky tip, or you put it in your pocket even though you don’t want it. That’s why KFC has to come into the equation. If a homeless dude sits outside KFC he is guaranteed a penny from almost everyone who walks in. Or out. ‘Cos that’s when they have the penny.

Dawn
Listen to you. Piss off.

Darren
No seriously. Then you have McDonalds. Same deal really except that they have these stupidly priced meals where you get like thirty p change. Now you and I know that if even half of McDonalds customers give you thirty p when they’re done filling their faces then we are lookin’ at some serious cup filling. You will have to super-size your fuckin’ cup!

Dawn
They don’t do supersize anymore ‘cos of that film.

Darren
What film?

Dawn
That Supersize Me film.

Darren
When did you become a film buff?

Dawn
Fuck off- I can still fuckin’ read. When did you become an expert in fuckin’ home-less economics?

Darren
Homeless economics… that’s actually quite funny for you.

Dawn
Stop grinning you look like a drunk.

Darren
Anyway, I’m not finished. So you’ve got your greasy pennies from KFC and your McIncome from McDonalds’ stupidly priced meals THEN just to top it all off you have the ultimate. The cash machine guilt trip. It’s known all over the world, tried and tested.

Dawn
It’s fuckin’ obvious, that’s what it is. What’s also obvious is that no fucker is going to actually give you any money. You think they’re gonna get out an extra tenner to keep the fucked up guy sitting on the floor next to them happy?! No.

Darren
Ah, that my dear girl is where you are shortsighted. Of course the geezer never whips out a crispy tenner and hands it to you there and then. But he thinks about it! He does! He thinks about how good a person he would be if he gave just a tenner because, lets face it, he has enough that he can spare a tenner but ultimately he won’t. HOWEVER…

Dawn
Is this gonna go on much longer? I wanna get some breakfast…

Darren
However. If a few minutes, hours, maybe even days or months, if that same cashpoint geezer sees the same guy on the street and recognises him…

Dawn
People don’t recognise homeless people.

Darren
Of course they do, what are you talking about? We’re the most quirky lookin’ fuckers about!

Dawn
They see us out the corner of their eye. They do not recognise us.

Darren
They do! I remember when I was young we knew all the tramps around my area. It was joke, they all had nicknames… (pauses thoughtfully)

Dawn
What?

Darren
I wonder if we have nicknames…

Dawn
Probably. Yours would be “That-ugly-little-cunt-down-Ealing-Broadway”

Darren
Twat, yours’d be “Dirty Dawn… the reject from porn… looks like something the fuckin’ dog did on the lawn” you cunt.

Dawn
How’d they know my name you cat guzzling paedo?

Darren
Go chase a kid. You’re the most difficult fucker to explain anything to I swear. I’m telling you how to make a mint just by sitting on your arse and you’re talking a load of bollocks and tryin’ to confuse me.

Dawn
I’m bored. Lets go look through a fuckin’ bin or something. I heard if you look in bins outside Greggs you get hot meals. ‘Cos they’re so fuckin’ nasty every cunt throws ‘em away!

Darren
Ok- but let me explain this fuckin’ cashpoint thing.

Scene 2
The bin outside Greggs the Bakers.

Darren
So later on they have a coupla ten pees or whatever they feel like they’d be evil not to you know what I mean? It’s like, they’ve already denied you of a tenner so this little bit of change makes ‘em feel like they’re not a complete cunt.

Dawn
Told you! You fuckin cunt! Fuckin’ sausage roll! Fuckin sausage roll!

Darren
Alright love, don’t have a fuckin prolapse. Its only half a fuckin’ sausage roll.

Dawn
Piss off. Better than collecting pennies all day.

Darren
Piss off. Go whore yourself and get us something proper to eat will ya? Make yourself useful.

Dawn
Cock. You would probably make just as much as I could, you should get yourself down to Hampstead Heath. You said it yourself, its all about the spot.

Darren
We need some props or summin. There’s one geezer down near Picadilly, he’s got a dog that lies there with a dummy in it’s mouth. Get’s him loadsa money apparently…

Dawn
I could always give you some sort of injury.


Darren
I bet it’s a Trampskam.

Dawn
A what?

Darren
Trampskam. Like the geezer with the dog. I bet the dog's been dead for years. It's a Trampskam.

Dawn
Where the fuck did you hear that?

Darren
I just made it up. Catchy though innit? I might copywrite it.

Dawn
Fuck off you don’t know how to fuckin’ write let alone copywrite!

Darren
Yeah I do! You just send a letter with the thing you wanna copywrite to yourself and then don’t open it- then you have a date on it and it proves you thought of it first.

Dawn
I don’t think anyone’s gonna be fighting for the word Tramplie.

Darren
Trampskam.

Dawn
Whatever. Maybe I’ll copywrite Tramplie. This could be our way out.

Darren
I just realised we cant.

Dawn
Why? …Oh yeah…

Working with the Missus

In any successful relationship the gentleman will reveal a side to his character that is as pathetic to his friends as it is endearing to his girlfriend. This can be as subtle as a change in tone, or as obvious as curling up on her lap like some sort of ridiculous child. A comfort zone with a partner is something with untold comedy potential - mainly because there is no censorship. You can say whatever the fuck you want and, at least in theory, get away with it...

Scene 1 – Morning

A small, tidy bedroom.

Bob
…Baby?

Chip (sleepily)
Yar.

Bob
You know how you love me?

Chip
Yar…

Bob
Will you make me a coffee?

Chip
You're confusing love with slavery

Bob
No, I’ve seen websites about that. I don’t want any of that. I just want a coffee… I would do it myself but I can’t. My left eye is stuck together, look. Its stuck. It has strings if I try and open it.

Chip
You’re so rank.

Bob
I’ll tie you up with my eye string if you don’t.

Chip
You’re getting into that whole slavery thing again.

Bob
I will make it into rope. Then you will be sorry.

Chip
I’ll hide in my fort. (pulls the covers over her head)

Bob
I’ll gas you out… Come on! Im meeting your parents today! That deserves a coffee surely!

Chip
You should WANT to meet my parents.

Bob
No-one WANTS to meet the parents. It’s like wiping your bum, you to do it… otherwise… it will get messy… or something… ok, bad analogy.

Chip
I will make you a coffee if you promise you will be nice and not say any of your “controversial” jokes over dinner. Mummy would have a heart attack.

Bob
I promise. I will be on my best behaviour.

Scene 2 –
Bob sits at the desk, leaning back on his chair and looking at a blank Word document.

Bob
How the fuck am I supposed to be a writer if I can’t be arsed to type anything?

Chip
Come on baby, just get into it and you will be fine.

Bob
I don’t want to sit here all day. Maybe I should become a street performer. I reckon they must get a fair bit.

Chip
What would your talent be? Skipping with your fucking eye string?

Bob
Oh yeah I forgot about that! Nah, I can juggle.

Chip
For about ten seconds.
Bob
I can do kick-ups.

Chip
You really think you would make money from it?

Bob
Yeah if I was imaginative enough... Maybe I could juggle AND do kick-ups at the same time and… skip... I dunno. I remember the best street performer I ever saw. He was in Covent Garden, this midget geezer and he put music on and started kicking himself in the head! It was amazing! Just booting himself in the head and spinning round in a circle in time to the music! THAT is innovative…

Chip
You could do that.

Bob
Can’t reach my head.

Chip
I bet you tried.

Bob
Yeah I did. Soon as I got home.

Chip
You can be a writer baby, just put your mind to it.

Bob pushes his forehead into the computer screen.

Bob
Now what?

Chip
See, your funny! Now write some stuff down.

Bob
I can’t. (sighs) So anyway. You didn’t tell me your mum was fat.

Chip
What? Why would I tell you that?

Bob
To warn me in case I laughed or looked at her arms or something.

Chip
Her arms?

Bob
Yeah, I always notice fat people’s arms. They have a funny shape. Like chicken dippers.

Chip
Oh my god.

Bob
No but you know what I mean, it’s weird when you meet someone for the first time and they are funny looking. You should give advanced warning. I nearly hugged her for fuck sake!

Chip
What? Why?

Bob
‘Cos! Fat people always look huggable! I almost just went for it. I swear its automatic, its, like, natural…

Chip
What to hug fat people?

Bob
Yeah! That’s blatantly why they’re so happy all the time!

Chip
Can we stop talking about fat people now??

Bob
You would be happier if you were fat.

Chip
No I wouldn’t, I’d be miserable.

Bob
Why?

Chip
‘Cos I’d be fat.

Bob
Yeah but you’re not thinking about the hugs! And I bet there’s other stuff.

Chip
What “other stuff”?! Other things fat people get more of? You’re actually a twat.

Bob
No think about it! People would do stuff for you, help you onto the bus, you can probably get discounts, its basically a disability innit.

Chip
You’re talking about my fucking mother!

Bob
Nah not her, she’s alright. She can still walk and that… Although I did notice the waiter help her up at the end of the meal.

Chip
Right. Fuck off.

Bob
Im joking! …He didn’t help you though. That’s all I’m saying! That’s all Im saying. Anyway, it was nice to meet the oldies finally. Did I do alright? Work the old magic?

Chip
You were doing fine until about two minutes ago.

Bob
Im sorry! I’ll shut up now. I didn’t mean any of that. Sorry.

Chip
I cant believe you think my mum is disabled

Bob
Nah but it’s in a good way! Like, she WANTS to be disabled! It’s deep! It’s not like she lost a limb in an accident, she just eats loads of food and then reaps the rewards! Is she on benefits? She should claim benefits, might aswell milk it for all it’s worth… I reckon I might even go for it one day, smash a few pies…… Chip?

Back of the Bus

This is a concept I came up with for a series of skits. It's pretty self explanatory. There are two characters, effectionately known as Screwboat and Lambshank, who have illuminating conversations on the back of the H91.

Screwboat
I must have seen one brear with the exact same hat as me the other day blud!

Lambshank
Later… What did you do?

Screwboat
Obviously I was gonna shank him but then I was like nah so I just jerked it off him when I walked passed and ripped the sticker off!

Lambshank
Oh shit! You ripped his sticker off! I heard about one brear in East who killed his mar-js cos she ripped the sticker of his hat…

Screwboat
Is it..? Nah well this brear didn’t do anyfing bruv. He was all pissed and man was just laughing in his face like “DAAAAAAAHAHA YOUR HAT LOOKS LIKE IT’S FROM BUSH MARKET NOW BLUD!”

Lambshank

Joker. What did he do?

Screwboat
…He said it was from Bush Market…

Lambshank
Seen... yours is from Bush aswell innit?

Screwboat
Yeah… but mine’s got a sticker though.

Lambshank
Standards.