In any successful relationship the gentleman will reveal a side to his character that is as pathetic to his friends as it is endearing to his girlfriend. This can be as subtle as a change in tone, or as obvious as curling up on her lap like some sort of ridiculous child. A comfort zone with a partner is something with untold comedy potential - mainly because there is no censorship. You can say whatever the fuck you want and, at least in theory, get away with it...
Scene 1 – Morning
A small, tidy bedroom.
Bob
…Baby?
Chip (sleepily)
Yar.
Bob
You know how you love me?
Chip
Yar…
Bob
Will you make me a coffee?
Chip
You're confusing love with slavery
Bob
No, I’ve seen websites about that. I don’t want any of that. I just want a coffee… I would do it myself but I can’t. My left eye is stuck together, look. Its stuck. It has strings if I try and open it.
Chip
You’re so rank.
Bob
I’ll tie you up with my eye string if you don’t.
Chip
You’re getting into that whole slavery thing again.
Bob
I will make it into rope. Then you will be sorry.
Chip
I’ll hide in my fort. (pulls the covers over her head)
Bob
I’ll gas you out… Come on! Im meeting your parents today! That deserves a coffee surely!
Chip
You should WANT to meet my parents.
Bob
No-one WANTS to meet the parents. It’s like wiping your bum, you to do it… otherwise… it will get messy… or something… ok, bad analogy.
Chip
I will make you a coffee if you promise you will be nice and not say any of your “controversial” jokes over dinner. Mummy would have a heart attack.
Bob
I promise. I will be on my best behaviour.
Scene 2 –
Bob sits at the desk, leaning back on his chair and looking at a blank Word document.
Bob
How the fuck am I supposed to be a writer if I can’t be arsed to type anything?
Chip
Come on baby, just get into it and you will be fine.
Bob
I don’t want to sit here all day. Maybe I should become a street performer. I reckon they must get a fair bit.
Chip
What would your talent be? Skipping with your fucking eye string?
Bob
Oh yeah I forgot about that! Nah, I can juggle.
Chip
For about ten seconds.
Bob
I can do kick-ups.
Chip
You really think you would make money from it?
Bob
Yeah if I was imaginative enough... Maybe I could juggle AND do kick-ups at the same time and… skip... I dunno. I remember the best street performer I ever saw. He was in Covent Garden, this midget geezer and he put music on and started kicking himself in the head! It was amazing! Just booting himself in the head and spinning round in a circle in time to the music! THAT is innovative…
Chip
You could do that.
Bob
Can’t reach my head.
Chip
I bet you tried.
Bob
Yeah I did. Soon as I got home.
Chip
You can be a writer baby, just put your mind to it.
Bob pushes his forehead into the computer screen.
Bob
Now what?
Chip
See, your funny! Now write some stuff down.
Bob
I can’t. (sighs) So anyway. You didn’t tell me your mum was fat.
Chip
What? Why would I tell you that?
Bob
To warn me in case I laughed or looked at her arms or something.
Chip
Her arms?
Bob
Yeah, I always notice fat people’s arms. They have a funny shape. Like chicken dippers.
Chip
Oh my god.
Bob
No but you know what I mean, it’s weird when you meet someone for the first time and they are funny looking. You should give advanced warning. I nearly hugged her for fuck sake!
Chip
What? Why?
Bob
‘Cos! Fat people always look huggable! I almost just went for it. I swear its automatic, its, like, natural…
Chip
What to hug fat people?
Bob
Yeah! That’s blatantly why they’re so happy all the time!
Chip
Can we stop talking about fat people now??
Bob
You would be happier if you were fat.
Chip
No I wouldn’t, I’d be miserable.
Bob
Why?
Chip
‘Cos I’d be fat.
Bob
Yeah but you’re not thinking about the hugs! And I bet there’s other stuff.
Chip
What “other stuff”?! Other things fat people get more of? You’re actually a twat.
Bob
No think about it! People would do stuff for you, help you onto the bus, you can probably get discounts, its basically a disability innit.
Chip
You’re talking about my fucking mother!
Bob
Nah not her, she’s alright. She can still walk and that… Although I did notice the waiter help her up at the end of the meal.
Chip
Right. Fuck off.
Bob
Im joking! …He didn’t help you though. That’s all I’m saying! That’s all Im saying. Anyway, it was nice to meet the oldies finally. Did I do alright? Work the old magic?
Chip
You were doing fine until about two minutes ago.
Bob
Im sorry! I’ll shut up now. I didn’t mean any of that. Sorry.
Chip
I cant believe you think my mum is disabled
Bob
Nah but it’s in a good way! Like, she WANTS to be disabled! It’s deep! It’s not like she lost a limb in an accident, she just eats loads of food and then reaps the rewards! Is she on benefits? She should claim benefits, might aswell milk it for all it’s worth… I reckon I might even go for it one day, smash a few pies…… Chip?
2 comments:
It’s wicked! I can completely relate to that, you do have chats like that when you’re in that comfort zone. Me and lyd always have jokes chats in bed. Have you notice that you always seem at you funniest in those moments, or maybe you think you’re well funny, but actually your not.
How much of this is based on real conversations with you miss?
Well her mum isn't fat but the stuff about the busker (and actually most of the hobo sapians stuff) is based on a conversations we've had.
Bedtime banter is definitely where you laugh the hardest but you're right - you find each other a lot funnier than anyone else would!
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